Is It Safer To Meet A Stranger At Your Place Or His?
You’ve beguiled him with your texts and charmed him on the phone or video chat. Now for the moment of truth. Does he look like his pictures? Will there be chemistry? Will there be two pair of underwear on the floor the next morning? Stay tuned.
The next issue that comes up is where to meet: Should it be somewhere neutral like a coffee house or somewhere more personal like your place or his? It depends on what you want and your tolerance for potentially awkward situations.
FOR HOOK UP SITES
If you’re totally into adventure and you don’t mind putting yourself in high-potential awkward situations, go for it and meet at your place or his. But if you’ve done that a few times you’ll understand why I’m a big believer in NOT just showing up at somebody’s door (or vice versa), even if all you’re looking for is sex.
The potential for a truly awkward or negative situation is just too high. If you’re not into him, how do you get out of it without being rude? What if he likes you and tries to get you to stay even though you want to bolt right away? If he comes to your place you essentially have to throw out an unwanted guest.
And worse, what if you like him and he doesn’t? Getting the old “Here’s your hat, what’s your hurry?” bum rush out the door by somebody who doesn’t want you there is NOT a good feeling. It will probably take you longer to recover from that than the STD he’ll probably give you (!!!).
And then of course there’s the high potential for the “I’m Going To Regret This” convenience fuck. It starts with a thought: “Hell, I’m here. And he’s not that bad.” And it almost always ends with another thought: “Dear God, what have I done?!”
I don’t really have a dog in this fight—if it doesn’t bother you to show up at a stranger’s door, go for it. Especially if he obeyed my Rule of Nines photo portfolio, removing all doubt about what he looks like. Now the question is…
Is It Safer At Your Place Or His?
“Safe sex” takes on a whole different meaning when you’re about to hook up with a stranger, especially if you’re on vacation. HIV infections seem almost quaint compared to getting stabbed and left for dead in a pool of your own blood.
In the debate over love’s famous question (“You’re Place or Mine?”), there is overwhelming statistical evidence that one of those places is more dangerous.
And it’s your place not his.
According to Dallas Drake, Homicide Researcher for the Minnesota Gay Homicide Study, statistics show that most homosexual murders take place in the victim’s home.
Why? Here’s what Drake said:
“If he comes to your place he can kill you and just leave, while at his place he is in the troublesome predicament of having to dispose of a body. A killing in his own residence would also have the negative impact of creating a permanent link with his identity due to inerasable evidence on his own property. Blood trace evidence can be detected for at least 20 years afterward, even when not visible to the naked eye.”
This is not just a theory. Empirical evidence, statistics from several sources, including the FBI, show that most male homosexual victims are murdered in their own homes. Only serial offenders such as Jeffrey Dahmer or John Wayne Gacy kill in their own space, and there are very few such people.
So there you have it. Your place or his? His.
FOR DATING SITES
It goes without saying that you shouldn’t show up at somebody’s door (or vice versa) if you want to date. It sends an inaccurate message (I’d say “wrong” message, but there’s nothing morally wrong with showing up at his door if you want some nookie. It’s just that if you want more, try for less).
Before you go for the face to face here are a few important tips:
Work up to it slowly.
Never set up a “date” without first talking on the phone (or video), preferably a couple of times. Granted, some people don’t give good phone, but still. It’s an opportunity to see if the connection you’ve made via email/phone/video continues in your personal conversations.
Even if the conversations are occasionally awkward (and they probably will be—not everyone has dazzling phone skills), set up a face-to-face meeting if you have even the smallest spark of connection. Here are a few guidelines:
Be safe.
Trust your gut. If you get a weird vibe during a call don’t ignore it. Don’t meet him. As Oprah likes to say, “When people first show you their true selves, believe them.”
Know Where You Want To Meet Before You Talk.
A good conversation should result in a meeting. Have your first and second choice at the ready. You’ll come across as sure of yourself and reduce any awkward stammering.
Keep it casual.
No dinner unless you’re absolutely sure of him. There’s nothing worse than getting stuck with a bore for two hours at dinner. Well, actually there is. Paying for the dinner because the bore didn’t bring his wallet!
Keep it light.
Meet in a coffee house you don’t ordinarily go to. You don’t want to be running into all your friends on what is essentially a blind date. Also, try going for a walk. It’s an incredible icebreaker because you’re not stuck staring at each other in an interview situation.
Keep the conversation exciting.
The trick to preventing conversational dead-ends is to jump from one subject to the other BEFORE any one subject dries up. You do this all the time with good friends–you just don’t realize it. Here, look at the difference in conversational styles between:
You and a Stranger…
You: Have you been to that new boutique hotel downtown?
Stranger: No, I haven’t. Have you? (continues thread)
You: Yeah, it’s pretty rad (continue thread)
Stranger: What makes it so different? (continues thread)
You: It’s got a pool in the middle of the lobby. (continue thread)
And you and a good friend…
You: Have you been to that new boutique hotel downtown?
Friend: Oh yeah, I tricked with a guy in the condo next door! (opens a new thread) Is it worth going to? (jumps back to first thread)
You: Is there any building in this town you haven’t tricked in? You’re like a walking petri dish. (open new thread). Anyway, the hotel’s pretty rad, actually. (return to original thread).
Strangers talk in a single thread; friends talk in multiple threads. The trick to turning a stranger into a friend is to have a multiple-thread conversation.
Think of a subject you bring up as a “thread” in the mosaic of a conversation. You’d have a pretty boring piece of fabric if you made the whole thing out of one single string. So create multiple ones. Multiple threads create energy, rapport and the feeling that you have a lot to talk about.
Multiple threads also create a mild form of suspense in the way the best TV shows do. Before they go to commercial break TV shows end with a mini-cliffhanger so you’ll be sure to stay tuned. You can do the same thing in a conversation through multiple threads.
Example:
“Which singer would you want to be in the Village People? Wait! Before you answer, did I tell you what happened to me today? (tell your quick story, then…) Oh my bad, so which singer would you want to be?”
Multiple threads create open loops to give you the opportunity to come back and close them. They add suspense. Any time you introduce an unresolved question, an unfinished sentence, or cut a story off you add a little intrigue. Another example: A little known secret to making a perfect cup of coffee is to, wait, did you just see that dog hanging out of the car window?!
You can easily add multiple threads by noticing something new and getting more excited about it than what you were talking about. Then return to the original thread.
Extra tips for keeping the conversation energetic and fun:
Rephrase questions as interesting comments.
By rephrasing standard questions you open up whole new avenues of conversation.
Standard: How many brothers and sisters do you have?
Rephrase: I bet you’re the youngest in your family.
Use time constraints.
Example: “You know what? If I didn’t have to go right now–which I do–I’d tell you the third step of brewing the perfect cup of coffee.”
Time constraints are like a break for commercials. You’ll be back to tell him the end of the story. And when you do, he’ll be a lot happier to see you than when you first approached him.
Assert Your Frame.
That’s a fancy way of saying you should change the subject when the conversation goes in an unhelpful direction. By pulling him into your frame of reference–your reality–you can guide the conversation. Example:
Him: ….So every time I hear that song, I think of my ex-boyfriend.
You: Let me see your hands…I want to show you a neat trick.
Answer “What do you do” in an inventive way.
“What do you do for a living?” is an inevitable question. You can answer in a way that’ll make him like you and guide the conversation into shared experiences.
Don’t ever answer with something like, “Systems Administrator.” Christ, I’m bored just typing it out. Worse, he probably won’t relate so he’ll resort to stereotyping (you’re boring, tedious, unimaginative, or whatever the stereotype is for your profession). Your answer needs to be relatable. Here’s a really neat way of doing it:
When I was little I wanted to be ______. When I was a teenager I wanted to be _______. And now, I’m a _____. Can you believe it? So my latest project is ______.
If you take him on a small, revealing journey he’s going to feel closer to you. And it sets you up to reciprocate in an interesting way: “What were you like when you were a teenager?”
And if all that seems too much work, try this: “I’m a stunt ass.”
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