Teaching Sex On National TV
There were three challenges to doing a sex makeover series on TV (The Sex Inspectors on Channel 4/UK). The medium demands that viewers see more than hear. But how do you show viewers how to have better sex without turning them on or grossing them out?
Second, every couple we helped basically had the same problems—some variation of mismatched libidos or passion gone stale. How many ways can you address the same problems without making it look like we’ve done six variations of a single show?
Third, how were they going to use me appropriately? The producers were well aware of the first thing audiences would ask when they found out I was gay–what could they possibly learn from me?
We were sitting in an editorial meeting with the producers, directors, researchers and my co-host. Frustration was high. They couldn’t figure out how to show a husband how to give better oral sex to his wife without looking tacky.
The director looked at me and said, “What do you think, Michael?” I shifted in my seat. “Why are you asking me?” I asked. “The last time I helped a woman get off she was on a bus.”One of the most remarkable things about working on a sex makeover series was how unremarkable the problems were. They were always a variation of two themes: Mismatched libidos or passion gone stale.
“We used to do it every day, sometimes twice a day,” one wife told me. “But now, three years and a kid later,” we’re lucky if we do it twice a month.”
When I asked her how often she wanted to have sex she said, “It’s not that I want to have sex a certain number of times,” she said. “It’s that I want to want to have sex.”
In other words, she didn’t want her sex life back as much as she wanted her desire for sex back.
Sex is never just about sex when you’re in a committed relationship. It’s about love, identity, unity, expression. Proof: One woman who felt her sexual desire for her boyfriend wane asked, “Does this mean I’m not in love with him anymore?”
That couples were suffering from mismatched libidos, or “Desire Discrepancy” did not surprise me. What did surprise me was who the low-desire partner tended to be—the man.
We think of men as having an “Any place, any time with anyone” approach to sex. Not true. At least not the ones trapped in a relationship. Oops, did I say trapped? I meant committed to a relationship.
The real trap men found themselves was in the different directions their feelings were going. “How could I be so in love with her,” one man told me, “and not want to have sex with her?”
The most surprising thing about advising couples on the air vs advising them in print is that telling them what not to do was far more effective than telling what to do. Banning people from destructive behaviors was far more powerful than commanding them into positive ones.
For instance, one man, a husband, was constantly exhausted. No matter what room he was in he was flat on his back. The cameras in the living room showed him lying on the sofa complaining how “knackered” (exhausted) he was. The cameras in the bedroom showed that he always had sex on his back (with his wife doing all the work). Our ban? “You’re not allowed to be on your back until you go to sleep. Relaxing on the sofa? Feet on the floor. Having sex? Always in the active position. No more laying back and enjoying it. Now you’re going to push forward and enjoy it.”
Pete resisted. He was already tired and now we were asking him to exert more energy. But a funny thing happened on the way to his exhaustion—he found more energy. By not laying around the house he got more energy to lay his wife.