How To Increase Your Sex Drive Part 17
It’s hard for some gay men to grasp the idea of affection’s intrinsic value. To most, touching and kissing is like riding a train–you get on it because you want to go somewhere, not because the seats are comfortable. It’s not some evil plot men hatched against men, it’s just the way men are wired:
Touch + Kiss + Hot Man= Erection.
But some men operate under a different kind of math:
Touch + Kiss + Hot Man= Fulfillment Which Might Or Might Not Lead To Sex.
This fulfillment creates a variety of emotional states–feeling valued, appreciated, loved, desirable, essential, protected, important, safe, and taken care of. Those feelings are intrinsically valuable in and of themselves.
While some men need to feel loved and appreciated to have sex, they resent it when you presume that every show of affection has a sexual agenda attached to it.
When Your Touch Is Suspect
When a peck on the cheek turns into a tongue in the tonsils, when every hug turns into a grasp of the buttocks, when every massage turns into an eleven-finger rub-down, it doesn’t take long before a partner becomes suspicious of every gesture of affection.
Now, every time you sit close to him when you’re watching tv he’ll scooch away. When you give him a kiss on the lips, he’ll give you his cheek. When you put your arm around him he’ll brush it off.
By making affection inseparable from sex you guarantee a steady stream of rejection. He feels pressured and harassed and you retreat into anger, resentment, and despondency.
I love taking walks through a beautiful park across the street from where I live. I also love tennis. The only way I can get to the tennis courts is to walk through this beautiful park. But just because I enjoy walking in the park doesn’t mean I necessarily want to go to the tennis courts.
Affection, like walking in the park, is its own reward, and its allure is sometimes ruined if it always leads to the tennis courts. If your partner retreats from you every time you go in for a kiss or a hug it’s a sure bet you’ve dragged him through the park to get to the tennis courts when he was just hoping to get a little fresh air.
The Art Of Agenda-Free Affection
Kiss him and walk away. Put your arm around his shoulders and keep them there. Hug him without going past his belt buckle. Don’t grind your hips when you hold him. Show agenda-free affection.
Do it for a week and you’re going to be amazed at the change in him–and in you. There will be no wiggling away, no turning of his cheek, no flipping your arm off his shoulder.
The sexual stalemate will recede because, without the pressure for sex, he can stop being on guard and enjoy your touch. This is important to you on a number of fronts. It reduces some of the skin hunger that drives sexual desire, leaving you feeling a little calmer, loved, and desired.
More importantly, it doesn’t just make him more willing to have sex; over time it makes him look forward to it. There’s an important distinction between willing and wanting. Would you rather he have sex with you out of obligation or out of desire?
I’m pretty sure you don’t want him to ‘give in’ to sex, or count the ceiling tiles as you do your best work. You want him to want you. You want him to respond to you in a way that makes you feel like a man– longed for, lusted after, and loved anew.
Once you practice affection for the sake of affection, your next step is to create a safe space for his body confidence to grow. This is a topic for next week. Stay tuned.