How To Deal With Low Libido Part 12
Don’t Know What Arouses You? Make it up. Give yourself a pretend answer. You’ll be amazed at how accurate you’ll be. Pretending gives honesty permission to come out and play. If that doesn’t help try “what iffing” it. For example, you could say, “I don’t know what would make this better, but what if I asked him to hold me in a way that I felt more safe and protected?”
Or, “I don’t know what would help me feel more, but what if I moved my pelvis more rhythmically?” Or think about a man you consider sexy and ask yourself, “What would he ask for?”
Remember, our experiment isn’t to get you to endure a lovemaking session. It isn’t to white-knuckle your way until his climax. It’s to discover that you have the power to go from cold to hot by making decisions that lead to the heat.
How To Say NO Without Scarring Him For Life
You have the right to say no to sex anytime you want and he has the obligation to respect that. But you have an obligation, too, and that’s to make sure you don’t reject him cruelly. You can make it easier on him by following my two golden rules of sexual rejection:
Be affectionate. Most “low desire” partners withhold affection, thinking it’s the best way to head off an advance or to emphasize the point that no means no. Being cold and distant is an effective way of warding off sex but at what price? There’s a better way. Decline with affection.
Guys can take rejection if you make them feel sexually desirable. If you hold him in a way that makes him feel wanted, if you touch him in a way that makes him feel like he’s not the reason for your lack of interest, if you kiss him in a way that makes him feel physically attractive, if you act as if you’re still in love with him, if you wrap affection around your refusal you will get what you want without damaging the relationship.
Postpone, don’t reject. Never say no without saying when. A postponement is easier to take than a rejection. Now, the trick here is keeping your word. You can’t expect him to respect your boundaries when you break your promises.
As for your partner, he needs to spend a little more time in the Masturbatorium. Sometimes true love requires self-service. He also needs to learn how to handle disappointment. Just like you need to sometimes have sex when you don’t want it, he needs to sometimes keep it zipped when he does. After all, you’re in this thing together. A one-person sacrifice is like a hatchet–you’ll just end up wanting to bury it in your partner’s back.
Surprise Him By Initiating Sex
I know what you’re thinking: “What!! Isn’t it enough that I’m willing to have sex when I don’t feel like it? I have to initiate it too?” Actually, you do. Our goal isn’t to respond to desire (anybody can do that), it’s to decide on it. And what better way to practice your decision-making powers than to plan, prepare, and initiate sex? All on your terms, of course. Initiating sex not only forces you to think about what you need to make it enjoyable but to get in the habit of giving it to yourself.
Think of it as throwing yourself a party when you’re not in a good mood. What would you do to make sure you had a good time? What type of music would you play, what kind of drinks would you pour? What type of food would you serve?
It’s the same concept with initiating sex when your libido is low. What do you need to do to make it enjoyable? First on your agenda is understanding when your body best responds to sex. Early in the morning? Late at night? Dusk? Plan around it.
What sexual cues can you activate?
What moisture-making memories of past sexual encounters will help you look forward to it? And once the action starts always remember what questions to ask yourself: “How can I get more physical pleasure out of what I’m doing?” “How can I make my body feel better?” “How can I enhance the physical sensations I’m experiencing?”
Initiating sex when you’re not aroused is like agreeing to your partner’s advances when you’re not aroused. It’s the same boat with a different captain. Either way, it’s worth remembering that sex when you’re not horny is like eating when you’re not hungry. You force yourself to eat a few potato chips and the next thing you know you’ve poked a hole in the bottom of the bag and find yourself putting the gas station clerk in a headlock because he ran out of chips.
Try to initiate sex every seven to ten days. Do it as an experiment for you and a gift for him (he’ll see it for what it is–a gesture of love that rescues him from the spiral of rejection he can’t seem to get himself out of). By experiencing the power of calling forth desire you’ll go from being a low libido victim to a low desire victor.
And in the process, you may be surprised that your partner suddenly starts doing things you’ve been nagging him. Gestures of love tend to bring out the best in everyone.