Troubleshooting Problems With Dating Online
Let’s end our bodacious series on gay dating online with some troubleshooting. As a former consultant for gay dating apps, a sex advice columnist and a regular online dater myself, I have come across many situations that put the “Accck” in awkward. The truth is, some are unavoidable. Your best bet is to minimize the chances and have a strategy in place for when things go wrong.
Here are some real-life situations common to gay online dating—and how to respond to them:
You’re Not Interested When You Meet
Q: How do you handle meeting someone in person after chatting online and finding out you’re not interested? Especially if they’re pressuring you for another date over email. What do you do?
A: Do not ignore his texts—it’s rude. I call it “poofing” – when somebody who initially was interested disappears (poof!). The gay world can be really small depending on where you live—getting a reputation as a jerk is never a good policy.
All you owe him is a quick, “Thanks, but I don’t think we’re a match.’ If you want to soften the blow, say something like, “But I really enjoyed our time together.” The guy went out of his way to meet you—the least you could do is give him some clarity. Wouldn’t you expect the same?
When To Go Offline
I am drinking so many “Quarantinis” I’m peeing olives. You?I am drinking so many “Quarantinis” I’m peeing olives. You?: How long should your profile stay up once you’ve started dating someone?
A: If all you’re looking for are hook-ups, then by all means, keep the profile up. But if you’re looking for something a bit more serious, consider the message you’re sending to the guy you’re seeing: You want to meet new guys even though you’re dating. That’s kind of ugly.
But there’s no need to take down the profile until you actually have a talk about it. Truth is, you don’t owe him a take-down unless you’ve decided to be exclusive.
Do You Owe Strangers A Response?
Q: If someone contacts you and you’re not interested, do you owe the person a response?
A: No you don’t. Remember what I said earlier—online isn’t real until you meet. For all you know, the person who’s contacting you is lying about every aspect of himself in a profile. You don’t owe strangers –especially lying strangers, anything.
A lot of sites let you send a boilerplate, automatic answer like, “Thanks but not thanks.” But even that’s unnecessary, if you ask me. Silence is an answer.
What If He Doesn’t Look Like His Pics?
Q: How do you handle a liar in a coffee shop? What if he’s nothing like his pictures?
A. Put his profile pic on your phone before you meet. If you can’t find anyone in the coffeehouse that looks even vaguely like the picture, keep walking—right out the door. Of course, that’s not always possible. So, be direct and brief. You can say, “I’m sorry, but this is not how you presented yourself on the site.”
It’s important that you leave. Don’t over-explain or engage him in any way. He’ll just get hostile and blame you for the same thing. Just tell him you’re uncomfortable and that you are leaving. And then…leave.
Remember, if someone blatantly lies about himself when you’re both supposedly on your best behavior, just think of what could happen later.
Gay Dating Resources
Gay Dating Advice
Gay Texting Tips
Gay Body Language
How To Meet Guys