Should You Risk Your Inheritance To Come Out?

Question:

First I wanted to say it’s nice to see a level-headed guy answering questions. I think I have agreed with your responses to all of the posted questions. I’m 22; I was raised in a very small farming community. My dad is as hick as it gets. My parents are divorced and I now live in a much bigger city.

I have come out to my mother and my sister, but I still need to come out to my dad. I feel like I would be a much happier/better person if I did, but at the same time he is helping me out a lot financially (car, rent, school, insurance, and a lawyer which I really need right now). Also, (and I know this is bad to think of) I will be getting a very big inheritance.

I don’t know if I should just say screw it, and tell him, or just keep suppressing my feelings till I’m either in a better financial situation, or never tell him at all. If I tell him, I will be cut out and lose everything. If I don’t, what kind of person will I become?

ANSWER:

You are definitely in the horns of a dilemma: stuck between your dad’s cold heart and your need for financial security. This is a question that doesn’t have a straight (if you’ll forgive the pun) answer. My personal leaning is to not come out unless you are capable of managing the emotional, physical, and financial risks associated with it. It is a personal obligation, I feel, to yourself and to the people around you, to come out at some point.  And truly, the earlier the better. The more we all come out the less prejudice there will be towards us.

That said, I would never urge anyone to come out when they do not have the resources or are not in an emotional state to handle the consequences. Clearly you are not ready to do that.

As for the financial angle what you’re really asking me is if I think you’re essentially taking a bribe for your silence.  I do not. Your financial peace of mind is as important as your emotional state of mind.

It is impossible to come out without some level of risk. If coming out were easy we would all have done it a long time ago. But it isn’t even today. I helped co-create a website called www.familyacceptance.com and I am stunned that even today in 2021 we get thousands of emails from desperate parents who don’t know how to handle their children’s homosexuality. You are not making up the danger that coming out might pose to you. I say, take your time, don’t lie, and wait until the risks of coming out are demonstrably lowered. Not non-existent.  Lowered.