What To Say When The Texting Goes Drier Than A Popcorn Fart
Did you hear about the dyslexic bank robbers? They burst in and yelled, “Air in the hands, mother-stickers, this is a fuck-up!”
Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, words come out the wrong way. Or they come out the right way but get taken out of context. This is especially true if you’re teasing him or being sarcastic. Or worse, trying to be funny out of context. A friend once complained to me that a guy he just met suddenly stopped texting him. I grabbed his phone and read the last text he sent: “Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?”
I beat him with it until the casing cracked.
Sometimes women aren’t much better. I had a girlfriend who over-texted an ambivalent guy. She never got a reply to her last text and she’s wondering why: “What’s the best way of slicing a tire with a knife?”
Texting lacks tonality. Sometimes good-natured joking comes across as a personal attack. Sometimes a text can come across angry when it is not. Sometimes it can come across as an insult when you meant it as a compliment. The best way to avoid this?
- Read your text out loud BEFORE you send it.
- Ask yourself, “Is there any way this text could be misinterpreted?
What To Say When The Texting Goes Drier Than A Popcorn Fart.
It happens all the time. Text threads end. You need a new subject matter but your brain farts are so strong they’re blowing you across the room. What to write? Icebreakers. Something to start or restart the convo. But what? Well, what are you curious about? What do you want to learn?
Conversation starters can be trivial or substantial. The only thing they have to be is sincere. You have to be authentically interested in what you say because a) Shawn Shagability’s bullshit detector operates on a high frequency and b) The point is for you to be fun and have fun and the only way you can do that is to talk about things that interest YOU.
Pick Your Ethical Dilemma.
The best conversation starters are personal stories. What dilemma have you faced that you could get advice on? Here’s a worksheet that’ll help you come up with your own unique dilemmas:
| Ask Yourself | Worksheet |
| What dilemma have you faced? | “A friend’s girlfriend takes food from buffets and puts it in her purse.” |
| What’s the central question in the dilemma? | Is that stealing? |
| What’s your role in it? | Should I say something to him? To the management? |
| How can I phrase this as an opener? |
“Let me get your take on something. Trying to give my friend some advice and he’s not quite buying it.”
“His girlfriend takes food from buffets and puts it in her purse. Okay, first question–is that stealing?”
“Should he say anything to her?” |
The ethical dilemma icebreaker works conversational magic. If you can’t think of any personal dilemmas, then simply Google “Common ethical dilemmas,” where you’ll find gems like:
- Should you tell a friend that his girlfriend is cheating on him?
- What’s the difference between cheating on a math test and lying about your age?
Always refer to a friend when you text your guy–it gives you a basis for why you’ve started a conversation. The more detailed, the more interesting it’ll be. If you can put age, profession, country, background and other details, the more curious he will be.
An ethical dilemma almost always ensures a give and take conversation. Eventually you’re going to be asked your take on the matter. And then you’ve got yourself a chat that’s going somewhere.
You can also take your interest in travel, health, history, business, pop culture or anything that’s happening in your life and use it as an excuse to talk to him. It’s easy. Just…
| Ask yourself… | Sample answer |
| What subject are you passionate about? | Geography |
| What specific aspect about this subject fascinates you? | Land masses. |
| What fun factoid about this aspect would many people know? | The number of continents on Earth.
[Answer: 7] |
| What is the specific answer to this factoid? | North America, South America, Africa, Europe, Asia, Antarctica, Australia. |
| How can I turn this into a question with a one-word answer? | “I know 6 of the 7 continents but I can’t figure out the 7th. Help!” |
| How can I phrase this as an opener? |
“Help me win a bet with a friend. What are the names of all the continents?”
“I’ve gotta be quick because first one to guess without Googling the answer wins.”
“How many continents are there?”
“Exactly. There’s North America, South America, Europe, Asia, Africa, Antarctica. BUT WHAT’S THE SEVENTH?” |
Suppose you want to build a bunch of geography openers. Google “Geography Quiz” or “Common questions about geography” and you’ll come up with fascinating questions like:
- Why is it dark in Antarctica all day in WINTER but light all day and night in SUMMER?
- What country does Latitude 0 intersect with Longitude 0?