Can Losing Weight Make You Horny?

Random Thoughts, Observations, And Advice On Livin’ La Gay Vida

I have a friend who lost over 40 pounds in the last few months. He expected to feel better but he hadn’t expected to have his libido increase as much as his poundage decreased. Can losing weight make you horny?

Absolutely. Being in shape makes you locked, cocked, and ready to rock. There are a lot of studies showing a correlation between weight loss and an increase in sexual desire. One study showed that the bigger the waist size the greater chances for erectile dysfunction. Makes sense. Fatter people are much likelier to suffer from cardiovascular disease or diabetes, both of which can make your libido go south.

Poor blood flow to the penis is a major cause of impotence. And since exercise improves the body’s ability to pump blood throughout the body, it makes sense that sexual desire would get a big lift. Bottom line: Get your bottom in shape and your love life will improve.

You’re Not In A Relationship Till You’ve Had Your First Fight

A friend was telling me how well his relationship was going because it had been bliss for the last two months. I looked up and I said, “Have you had your first fight yet?”

“No,” he said. “Isn’t that great? Actually, no. Fighting reveals everything, especially between two men. Hell, look at government shutdowns if you want to know what an unhealthy relationship fight looks like. For gay men, the subject of the fight is not as revealing as the style of fighting. Reasonable men can disagree agreeably; unreasonable men can’t.

A fight, or a disagreement, is the first real opportunity to see whether you have a relationship that’s going to last. The ability to resolve a disagreement is far more important than what you’re disagreeing about. In a sense your relationship doesn’t really start until you have the opportunity to exercise that “fight” muscle.

For example, is he making a mountain out of a molehill? Do you look at it as a “you’ve got to win or he’s got to lose” proposition? Are you respectful? Is he?

When you find yourself in your first fight try to remember this tip and it will serve you well: if things are not going in a helpful direction hold his hand or put your hand on his thigh. It is extremely difficult to be unreasonable when you’re being touched.

What If Your Trick Says “I love you” During Sex?

It’s not unusual to say “I love you” to someone you’re not in love with in the middle of an intense, passionate sexual moment. You enter a different alternate consciousness with intense sex. Sometimes, you feel the need to say something, anything, that will rev up the intensity. And what could rev up the intensity more than to say something intense?

Doesn’t mean that it’s meant. It’s just meant as a means. So, you should absolutely not talk to him about it. If you want to keep things light don’t bring up something heavy. Who knows? You may actually be saying it to him pretty soon.

A Business Approach To Love

I have a friend who just got his MBA And pose an interesting question: could he use a business approach to getting a boyfriend, complete with a marketing advertising and public relations plan?

Doubtful. If a business approach to getting a relationship worked I wouldn’t get so many letters from businessmen telling me what failures they are in their love lives. It isn’t business strategies you should be using to get a relationship; it’s the strategies of successful business people. Let’s take a few examples:

• • Detach yourself from the outcome. There isn’t a business plan and the world that says your identity is tied to the sale. Same thing with relationships: your identity is not tied into getting a date that agrees to stay.

• • Surround yourself with a good team. It is impossible to succeed in business without support from a loyal cadre of overlords, underlings, peers and associates.

• • Open up new markets. The one you’re in is dried out. So hang out in places where relationships have a higher chance of taking hold. If you’re used to clubbing for example, then go to the pub instead. Or join a gay sports club. You don’t have to be an athlete–you’re expected to suck!

• • Persevere. A lot of businesses succeeded simply because they didn’t give up.

• • Sacrifice. All successful businesses give up short-term profit for long-term goals. That means you may have to for example, stop staying out till 6 AM and screwing anything with a pulse so that you have enough energy to take yourself to places where relationships can happen.

Getting a relationship isn’t about what business tactics you should use. It isn’t about “doing” at all. It’s about being.

How To Find Out What You Like In Bed

Hot Zone Questionnaire

Please be specific.  If you like to be finger-banged (!) then write which finger, in what direction/motion/speed etc.

My favorite place to be kissed and how:

My favorite position (s):

My favorite sex act and how I like it best (slow, fast, hard, soft, etc):

My favorite place to be touched:

My favorite place to be licked:

Other Fave:

Other Fave:

Other Fave:

Hot Zones FOR YOUR PARTNER

Please be specific.  If he likes to be finger-banged (!) then write which finger, in what direction/motion/speed etc.

His favorite place to be kissed and how:

His favorite position (s):

His favorite sex act (slow, fast, hard, soft, etc):

His favorite place to be touched:

His favorite place to be licked:

The thing that’s guaranteed to make him orgasm:

Other Fave:

Other Fave:

Other Fave:

“That’s So Gay!”

The first time I heard a teenager say, “That’s so gay,” she was referring to a vacation she took with her parents.  I got that look ostriches get when they hear two whistles:  WHAT?  It was completely out of context to anything I know about being gay.  That’s because teens don’t really say it to refer to gay people or our perceived characteristics or activities.   Not only is it pretty much divorced from the offensive gay stereotypes—like being campy or effeminate—it doesn’t even reference the positive ones—that we’re all hip, stylish trend-setters.  Teens use it to tag objects, places or activities as lame, tired, or silly.

There’s no venom in the phrase—it’s just the updated 50’s version of, “That’s so square.”   This must be part of the new math they’re teaching at school because it doesn’t add up.   Maybe they should try a different equation:  Best of intentions + worst of tactics = More of what you don’t want.

Try telling a teen not to say something because you think it has a meaning they know it doesn’t.  You might as well try to stop the wind by blowing against it.  Every teen will be saying it to everyone about everything.

Yes, it’s noble to discourage language that sets up an environment for harassment or violence.  But as somebody who’s been attacked on the street by a bunch of homophobes, I can promise you, when they were swinging their bats and tire irons?   They weren’t yelling, “That’s so gay!”

There are better words to discourage teens from using.  If you want to stop a fire, hide the matches, not the matchbook covers.  If I were a teen, I’d take one look at this campaign and say, “That’s so gay.”

You’re In Love–But Not With His Penis

You really like him. He’s handsome and he makes you laugh. He could charm a banana out of a gorilla’s hands. The package is great until you open his package and find not the Florida Panhandle as you had hoped, but a crackerjack prize at the bottom of the box.

What do you do?

Well, for one thing, don’t say anything about it. I’m always astounded at how many guys think that they have to make a comment, even one that seems accepting. For example,   “No worries, I can work with this.” Really? You can do better than that. Your best bet is to say nothing and as the queen said during World War II, “Keep calm and carry on.”

From a physical standpoint, the most obvious solution is to find ways to get pleasure that doesn’t require a guy’s penis that’s so big it’s in the next room making you drinks. That’s what tongues and fantasies are for.

You don’t have the power to change the size of your partner’s penis but you do have the power to change the way you think about it. Ultimately sex is not about the size of his prize but the destination he takes you to.

How To Meet Gay Men

Love will fall into your lap but first you have to take your lap places. No one disputes that. The question for gay men is where to take your lap. The Huffington Post has a quasi-interesting column on what gay men can do to meet other gay men. I say quasi-interesting because if you’re honest about it there’s not that many places for us to meet gay men.

The Huffington Post column basically is a retread of all the different things that you can do: going to a yoga studio instead of the usual gym,  finding a gay friendly church, that kind of thing.  There is nothing wrong with that, but the real question is once you are there, how do you make sure that you actually meet people that you want to date? Or at the very least, how do you network so that you can meet gay men who will introduce you to the kind of guys you want to date?

What Do You Do If You’re Not Sure You Like His Pics?

You trade pictures. He’s okay looking. You kind of like them, but are not sure. he presses for a meeting. What to do? What to do? The best way to protect yourself from an awkward encounter in which the guy who claims he has a swimmer’s body but turns out to be Harry Styles 40 pounds from today: A Skype meeting. And if he doesn’t have Skype suggests Facetime if he has an iPhone. The point is to minimize a bad scene.

Think of it as buying insurance. The cost of the policy is way less than the cost of meeting someone you have no interest in. true, it’s awkward to meet someone and oversight or face time. A phone call or video with someone you don’t know can be a little unsettling. But not nearly as much as meeting them.

And what if he doesn’t have either Skype or Facetime? Then you have to do gay math: divide the level of attraction you have for him by your desperation and subtract your hope. That should get you near to a best decision!

6 Body Language Signs To Watch Out For

1. Suspenseful Silence. There’s good silence and there’s bad silence. Silence of running out of things to say is different than the silence of him working up the nerve to kiss you. If you want him to kiss you (not always the case) don’t try to fill up the silence. Smile to encourage him.

2. Stammering: fidgeting with his drink or his watch or putting his hands in and out of his pockets is usually a sign of discomfort. The good kind.

3. Lip Primping. Did he break out the Chapstick? Is he popping Altoids? Is he offering you gum? Don’t take that as an insult–it could just be his way of saying that he’s coming in for the kill.

4. Jazz Hands. Did he touch your shoulder? Graze your knee? Touch the small of your back as you walk in front of him? Means he can’t keep his hands off of you and he would like to put them around the wonderment, no doubt!

5. Lip Gazing. Men look at what they want. If you notice a pattern to his look, it’s called the triangle gaze. Typically it means looking at one eye to the other to your lips and back up. It’s a classic sign of desire.

6. Getting Closer: He knows how awkward it would be to cross the room and kiss you. So he’s scooching up, inching up until he can get to a more intimate zone.

Lyrics I Love

The New Yorker magazine ran a story about a new off-Broadway play called What’s It All About? It’s kind of a retrospective on Burt Bacharach, the dashing composer of the 1960s who gave us classics that still reverberate with relevance today. The writer who clearly loves Bacharach, maintains that many of his songs were existential. He gives this example of his famous 1964 song called “House Is Not a Home:”

A chair is still a chair
even when there’s no one sitting there
but a chair is not a house
and a house is not a home
when there’s no one there to hold you tight
and no one there you can kiss good night.

But the lyrics I love best came from a song called “Anyone Who Had a Heart”:

Anyone who ever loved could look at me
and now that I love you
anyone who ever dreamed could look at me
and know I dream of you
knowing I love you so
anyone who had a heart
would take me in his arms and love me, too