Gay Dating: Scenes From Life On The Prowl
What To Say When Somebody Asks You Out
So, I met this guy at a party very briefly. Mutual attraction. Exchanged numbers. Yada yada. I text him. It takes him a full day to return the text. We had a few exchanges and then I called him. Got his voice mail. Left a message. Instead of returning my call he texts me the next morning. Ouch! A communication downgrade!
We exchange a few texts. I had expensive tickets to a show the next night so I asked him out over text (he couldn’t take calls at the time). He texts back, “I can’t. Slammed with work and school.”
Not “I can’t, but I’d love to see you, can we make it another night?” Just a flat out NO. So I text, “Ok, I give up. ;>) ”
He texts back: “Why give up?”
Arrrrgh!
Here’s the thing. I wasn’t THAT attracted to him to play the “You pursue me hard enough and I’ll give in” game. Here’s my advice: If you’re interested in somebody there’s such a thing as playing too much “hard to get.” There’s a rule in dating somebody you’re interested in: Never reject; postpone. If you like the guy and he asks you out, ALWAYS say, “I can’t tonight, how about Friday?”
Does Hetero Dating Advice Work For The Gays?
Never take cues from the wrong people. For example, gay men shouldn’t take dating advice from heterosexuals. It’s like taking investment advice from Bernie Madoff.
Take online dating. The hets will tell you it’s a bad idea for men to post shirtless pictures online because women don’t like it. Now, I ask you, what kind of advice is that for gay men? Another ridiculous example is the idea that men should be the pursuers. Apply that to the gay dating world and you get that look ostriches get when they hear a whistle.
If we’re both men, who should be doing the pursuing? That’s actually a very interesting question which I’ll get into in later posts.
Even psychologists who study courtship rituals aren’t of much help to us. For example, body language research shows that when women are interested in men they flick their hair. Not so much with us gay men. Even the concept of not having sex on the first date doesn’t really apply to us because we don’t live under the reputational yoke that women do.
The best gay dating advice always takes the best of heterosexual dating strategies and adapts them to the man-on-man world. So the next time your girlfriend gives you a tip or two, make sure she’s talking to the man in you and not the girl in her.
Who Should Make The First Move?
Straight men almost always make the first move on women, but who makes the first move between two men? The bottom? The nelliest? No. The strongest. The one with the most dominant attributes.
If you’ve ever wondered why you don’t seem to meet anybody unless you take the initiative, it’s because you’re taller, bigger, older, richer, have more status, more confidence, or are more willing to take risks than the men who are attracted to you.
What To Do When You’re Lukewarm About Him
You’re going out with him. Sort of. And it’s clear that he’s more into you then you are into him. It takes you hours to return his text, you’re vague about setting plans. Yet you don’t want to stop seeing him because you ARE attracted. Just not that much.
He’s coming on a little bit stronger than you want him to. Do you tell him that you’re just not that into him? Yes, but not in those words. Do not be unkind. The better way is to say you are not sure what you want and you would prefer to slow things down.
One thing you can do to slow things down without having to say anything – – and communicate it to him nonverbally – – is to take inventory about how you’re acting when you’re with him. For example when you go out to dinner? Do not sit on the same side of the booth as he is. It sends a signal that you want to be boyfriends.
Always check your behavior to make sure you’re not sending out signals that could be misinterpreted. Make your actions consistent with your feelings and you won’t have to get yourself into a sticky situation.
If you are ambivalent about somebody you should not stop seeing them. You should put more distance between you. Here’s why: many a long-term couple started with one partner being lukewarm about the other. Things can change. You can change. Your feelings can change. Do not throw away something that might grow into something wonderful just because you’re not feeling it right away.
If you are lukewarm about somebody remember this: lukewarm can go cold and lukewarm can heat up. Only time will tell. So give it time.