The Asexual Uncle: Being (and Not Being) Gay Around Family

By Lo Jacobs

There are two things that I have been fortunate enough to avoid as I grow into gay adulthood: family rejection, and fear/regret of being single. The hostile father or disapproving grandmother is often portrayed as an essential element of the coming out process, while the concept of the happily single gay man is becoming an endangered species with the onset and progress of the same-sex marriage movement.

Seemingly immune to both of these pressures, I was surprised by how disappointed I felt traveling to a recent family reunion by myself. It wasn’t that I wanted company on the six-hour road trip, or that I wanted to cuddle with a significant other next to the bonfire as many of my family members did with their spouses.

It was about the pressure to represent not only myself, but my people. It was about offering context to the growing debate about gay relationships, gay family and gay dignity.

While my family has been radically accepting of my sexual orientation and I have never felt compelled to censor my discussions or change pronouns for their comfort, my perpetual single status has prevented my family from seeing me interact with other men on an intimate level.

So I am the asexual uncle. The sexually neutral nephew. The lonely homo.

This bothers me because this is an outdated caricature that many gay men were once confined to, and because it implies that I am too shy or embarrassed to express aspects of my sexual orientation with my welcoming family. I am neither lonely, asexual or sexually neutral. I am a happily single gay man, and while that offers me serenity and contentment in my own life, I hate the message that it might send to all generations of my family.

My mother and grandmother worry about my heart. The younger family members worry that my homosexuality is too taboo for such expression. Whereas many families shun gay members and their partners, I can sense some disappointment when I arrive at yet another family function alone.

I’ve had plenty of friends travel home with me and they’ve met my family, but of course, I say “friend,” and my family assumes that’s a euphemism used by someone who’s too timid to admit the truth.

I desperately want to represent gay romance to my family, and to experience the affirmation that I know my kin would provide. However, that hardly seems like a reason to search for a relationship – though many have chased love for equally flimsy and superficial desires.

How do you handle bringing dates around family? Is there a length of time that you and a guy have to be dating before you bring him home? Is your family welcoming or resistant to you arriving to family functions with a partner?