QUESTION:
How many calories do you burn when you make love? I’m thinking if it’s high enough, wouldn’t promiscuity be a better way of getting fit than going to the gym? Besides, I’d love to be able to say, “I’m not a whore; I’m an athlete.” In all seriousness, if I can shtup the fat off, why would I try to try to jog it off?
Dear Aspiring:
You must be joking. You’re as wrong as pumps at a leather bar. Do the math and you’ll see what I mean. Let’s say you weigh 160 pounds. You’d burn 18 calories while engaging in 10 minutes of foreplay and 102 calories with 20 minutes of intercourse (a ridiculous figure since most guys last an average of 5 minutes when they’re topping).
Even, so compare how many calories you’d burn:
30 minutes of sex: 120 calories
30 minutes of running: 307 calories
30 minutes of aerobics: 254
30 minutes of weightlifting: 220
There are other advantages to working out or playing sports, soup-for-brains. Last time I heard you can’t get syphilis from softball, crabs from croquet or genital warts from weightlifting.
If you go against my advice and pick sexercising over exercising, you can maximize the calorie burn by picking the right activity. Here’s a helpful chart:
REMOVING CLOTHES
With partner’s consent: 10 calories
Without partner’s consent: 300 calories
UNZIPPING PANTS
Using two calm hands: 4 calories
Using one trembling hand: 10 calories
GETTING INTO BED
Lifting partner: 5 calories
Dragging partner along floor: 100 calories
PUTTING ON CONDOM
With experience: 4 calories
Without experience: 60 calories
With erection: 2 calories
Without erection: 200 calories
ORGASM
Real: 35 calories
Faked: 150 calories
ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE
Facial expression didn’t change: 1 calorie
Shoes flew off: 100 calories
GUILT
Banging your boss for a promotion: 30 calories
Sex after you’ve called in sick: 20 calories
Bonking each other with parents in other room: 25 calories
GETTING CAUGHT
By your spouse: 150 calories
By partner’s spouse: 60 calories
Trying to explain: 50 calories
Leaping out of bed: 100 calories
Getting dressed in one motion: 500 calories