Q:

My boyfriend and I are at sexual stalemate.  I admit we’ve got lots of emotional issues we’ve got to work out but there’s gotta be something we can do sexually to, uhm, break the log jam.  Here’s the problem:  We’ve started sexually bartering our services and it’s descended into an “I won’t do it if you won’t” or “I’ll do it if you do it first.”  So if I want my God-given right to some good head, he’ll say, “fine, blow me first then we’ll see.”  How do we get past this?

 

—  Want treats not tricks

 

Dear Treats:

This reminds me of that great marriage-counseling story.  A man and woman were having marital problems so they went to see a marriage counselor, who in an attempt to find some common ground said, “Tell me about anything the two of you have in common.”

The husband spoke up and said, “Well, neither one of us sucks dicks.”

 

That’s a long way of saying you need a good therapist.  But while you’re arguing about which therapist to go to, allow me a quick piece of advice that will make you both more receptive to each other:  A Roman Bath.

 

Sprinkle a lavender-based oil in a tub full of water (Studies show the smell of Lavender turns men on).  Put candles everywhere.  Remember, they’re there to create a mood, not for you to burn each other when you get into your moods.

 

Next, get into the tub.  But here’s the thing.  I don’t want you facing each other.  It’s called a “Roman bath” because the ancient Romans would sit with their bodies chest to back (or dick to butt) so they could “play” without seeing whom they were playing with.

 

Here’s how I want you to play.  Get different kinds of sponges (from rough to smooth).  The guy in the back sponge baths the guy in the front.  But your legs are intertwined and you can play with his pee-pee, cup his balls, and stimulate his nipples.  You know, like I do with my dog when the Humane Society ain’t looking.

 

Anyway, he doesn’t know where you’re going or what you’ll be doing (creating some vulnerability) while you won’t know what he’s thinking or feeling because you can’t see his expressions.  It also makes you responsible for making him comfortable and allowing him to trust you.

 

The lack of eye-to-eye contact creates a sense of mystery, and at some level, trust (if you’re naked and you don’t know what they other guy’s up to, it’s called trust or stupidity, take your pick).

 

By taking turns (switching positions) you’ll experience a shared sense of vulnerability and more importantly, that you can be vulnerable in each other’s presence, knowing the other will take care of you.

 

You guys have that  “You First” mentality because you have no sense of shared experiences.  You’re thinking of giving and getting as winning and losing.  So if you don’t “get” first, it means you lose.  Well, sex isn’t about winning or losing but about playing without keeping score.