QUESTION:
In a previous column you wrote about a study that hooked up the peckers of homophobes to a machine that measured blood flow when they watched gay porn. Really fascinating stuff. But I have another use for that machine. See, I have a lot of friends who claim they’re bisexual. I’d love to hook them up to that machine, show them hetero porn and see what the peter meter says. Is it possible to buy one of those things?
— Buy-curious
Dear Buy-Curious:
Of course you can. For $8,000. The penile plethysmograph determines if there’s sexual arousal by measuring the circumference of the penis. A stretchable mercury-filled band is fitted around the penis and connected to a machine with a video screen and data recorder. Any changes in penis size, even those not felt by the man, are recorded while he watches porn. Computer software shows graphs detailing the degree of arousal.
Now wait’ll you hear what the machine was originally invented for: To prevent draft dodgers from claiming they were gay to avoid military duty! God only knows how many false gay positives it uncovered.
It started in Czechoslovakia but they don’t use it anymore on account of how the country fell apart (it’s now the Czech Republic, Slovakia and Baklava).
Currently the device is used in sex-offender treatment centers and often as a condition of parole for child molesters. They tried to use it on Michael Jackson but the damn things blew up every time they put one near him.
Submission to the machine is often a condition of parole for certain sex offenders and it’s been used in child-custody cases if molestation is suspected.
But the most valuable contribution of the device? Sorting out physiological from psychological impotence. They hook you up while you sleep to see if you get an erection during REM sleep (all healthy men do). If you don’t get one it means there’s something physically wrong. If you get one, congratulations, you have emotional baggage. The kind you need to check in before boarding Air Therapy.