QUESTION:
Do you think there’s such a thing as “Lesbian Bed Death” syndrome or is it an urban myth? And do you think there’s a gay male version of it?
— Ain’t Sure
Dear Ain’t:
About 20 years ago a major sex study showed that women in lesbian relationships had significantly less sex than women in heterosexual ones. Since then, lesbians have been the victims of drive-by “lesbian bed death” jokes. Like, what do you call it when you’re paralyzed from the waist down? A lesbian relationship.
The study’s findings may have been true 20 years ago but I doubt it holds any juices today. That’s because the forces in society that discouraged women from having sex are waning. For example, women have always been conditioned to be the passive recipient to sexual advances. What do you think would happen to the frequency of sex if both partners were conditioned *not* to initiate sex? A whole lot of nothin’, that’s what.
Then there’s the “urge to merge” theory of lesbian bed death. Since women are far more likely to emphasize intimacy over sexuality and nurturing over scoring, they can inadvertently create as one psychologist studying lesbian relationships put it, “a relational greenhouse effect which suffocates passion.”
There have been no scientifically sound surveys done on lesbian bed death in the past few years. My guess is that lesbians have less sex than their hetero counterparts but not enough to justify the “bed death” label. You can’t escape the fact that the top two female sexual disorders are Hypoactive Sexual disorder (little to no libido) and Sexual Arousal Disorder (low sensation—your mind wants it but your body doesn’t). So it makes sense that lesbian couples are likely to have less sex than mixed-gender couples.
As far as gay bed death, PUH-LEASE. We can’t stay in one bed long enough to take a survey.