Q:
My partner keeps asking me what my sexual fantasies are, but I can’t come up with any. He says I must have fantasies. Am I abnormal?
— Regular Joe
Dear Regular:
Just because you’re not fully conscious of sexual fantasies doesn’t mean you don’t have them. Part of the reason you’re coming up blank is that your partner is asking the wrong question. Rather than ask, “What is your fantasy?” he should be asking, “What turns you on?” Then take your answers and apply the following subjects to them:
Location. Where do you want to do the things you say turn you on? In the desert, on the beach, down the stairs?
Setting. If it’s a beach, say, do you want to make love on the sand, on the lifeguard stand or on the lifeguard without the stand?
Props. What are you wearing? Something? Nothing? Prada?
People. Who’s involved? Your partner? His brother? The French rugby team’s starting line-up?
The Situation. Do you want to be submissive, dominant, or somewhere in-between? Do you want to be treated like a God or a doormat? Do you want to be the cigarette or the ashtray? How do you want to be touched? Roughly, softly? Do you want to be undressed or do the undressing?
These are just a few of the types of questions that can spark ideas. It isn’t just about uncovering fantasies but discovering them, too. Sex is an ever-expanding expression of your body, mind and soul. It’s important to be aware of and feed your fantasies. They’re the easiest and most powerful way to gain a deeper understanding of who you are and what you need.