Q:
Every time I go out to the bars with a friend of mine –and we’ve never been anything but, he acts and treats me like his boyfriend. He holds my arms like I am his. He stands really, *really* close to me. Guys ask me all the time if he’s my boyfriend. I tell them no. Some guys just assume that he is. What makes this situation a little more embarrassing is my friend is 15 years older than I am. So guys not only think he is my boyfriend but they think he is my sugar daddy. That’s why I always tell him not to buy me any drinks. I don’t want to look like his boyfriend or worse, his *”boy.”*
There is another irritating thing about this situation. When he sees a possible trick, he acts like I would prefer him to act around me…like a friend. He’ll even tell me to go walk around and leave him until he gets his guy.
I like hanging out with him but how should I approach the subject so I don’t hurt his feelings or crush his self-esteem?
— Killing my Groove
Dear Killing:
He’s using you like my editor uses this rag to sell ads. He waves the articles to bait the audience to sell space in his publication. Your friend waves you around to bait his audience to sell space in his pants.
He’s trying to look popular and desirable by making people think he’s got a young, good-looking thing glommed on to him. When he needs you to serve his purpose he gives you the royal treatment. When you’ve served your purpose he kicks you to the curb. Some friend.
He’s using you to get laid. That, of course, is admirable, but only if it’s reciprocal.
Here’s my advice: Talk to him honestly about this. I’d use the royal “we” when you do. As in, “You know, almost everyone thinks we’re boyfriends and it’s messin’ with my mojo. I finally figured it out—we’re standing too close to each other and sometimes we touch like we’re lovers. See how we’re standing three inches away from each other while other friends in the bar are standing a foot away from each other? Let’s try doing that so guys won’t be afraid to approach me.”
And then step a foot away from him and change the subject. If he moves in or touches you like a lover just gently call him on it. Say: “Oh, we’re doing it again,” and step away.
One more thing. That business of refusing to let him buy you drinks? Get over it. If someone offers you free alcohol you do what I do: You accept, order the premium brands and make sure it’s a double.