Q:
After years of muffled lovemaking because of the kids we adopted, my partner and I haven’t had much time or opportunity for spontaneous hanky-panky. But now that they’re gone most of the year (boarding school) my partner and I have the house to ourselves. Problem: He’s boring as all fuck. How can I get him to rediscover our pre-children passion?
— Bored but Horny
Dear Bored:
Ask him. If he says he doesn’t know, tell him what I tell couples on our TV show: “Make it up.” It’ll take the pressure off of giving the answer he thinks he’s supposed to give and free his imagination to connect with his true desires. Asking him what he needs and wants is critical. You’re not going to know where to go or what to do unless he gives you directions. The same goes for you. You need to tell him what you want so he knows what to say “NO” to.
I kid. If you want to rekindle your sex life you’ve got to re-awaken his senses. The best way to jump-start the process is to take a sexual inventory. Get together and make a list of every position, fantasy, act, role, toy, or location you can think of. To the right of that list write “Cold, Cool, Lukewarm, Warm, and Hot”. Now go to separate rooms in the house and mark the temperature each act or fantasy brings out in you. Then get together and compare notes. You’re both going to be very surprised at what you’ll discover. Make a pact to try everything you’ve both labeled “lukewarm, warm and hot.”
What if you’ve labeled something Hot and he’s labeled it Cold? Time for sexual reciprocity. Meaning, “If you do my ‘Cold’ I promise I’ll do your ‘Hot.’” That kind of compromise will build trust, enhance intimacy and open new sensual vistas for both of you.