Q:
I’ve been dating this cute, Cute, CUTE hottie that I’ve fallen head over heels over. The problem is, he doesn’t feel the same way I do. I know he likes me and wants to go out because he calls and often initiates the dates. But it’s been 4 months now and he’s still waffling. “I’m not sure what I’m feeling for you,” he said. And on top of that he said, “I haven’t totally worked out my feelings about my ex or this other guy I used to be fuck-buddies with.” Woody, how do I get this guy, who I KNOW is my soul mate, to see the light and date me exclusively?
— Puzzled yet Pissed
Dear Puzzled:
Christ, I hate questions like this because it forces me to think. It’s so much easier to write about giving good hand-jobs.
Look, my advice is not going to be pretty, but if you follow it I promise you’ll clamp the old ball and chain on him. The way you get the guy is to stop trying to get him. Nature abhors a vacuum. If you create a space between you and him, one of two things will happen: He’ll step forward to fill it in or he’ll step backward and make it disappear.
You create that space by doing three things:
1. No talking about the relationship. The last thing a confused guy wants to hear is that you’re in love with him. It’s not a matter of being dishonest; it’s a matter of being realistic. Is the guy ready to hear your declaration of eternal love? No. Then why say it? Is he going to support you when you break down and blubber on about how in love you are? No. Then why say it?
Honesty in an “asymmetrical” relationship is toxic. I’m not saying lie; I’m saying postpone. You can have all the heart-to-hearts you want once you’ve hooked him. But you’ve got to hook him first.
2. Never call him. Call him back but *never* initiate the call. Why? Because you have to give him the chance to miss you. Plus, it disorients him. He’s used to you calling all the time and now you’re not.
3. Be happy when he calls. Keep it light, funny and entertaining. No guilt trips, no sticky emotional dialogue, just flat out fun. Guys confused about their feelings need relief, clarity and simplicity. You offer him that and you’re well on your way to an engagement ring.
Now, notice the mind-fuck. He knows you’re in love, but you don’t call him. Yet every time he calls you’re thrilled to hear him. You never ask him out but when he asks you out you’re thrilled to go.
This will frustrate the hell out of him. He’s used to using his confusion to control people but suddenly he’s not controlling you. The only time he gets to see or talk to you is if HE initiates it. The question on his mind will be: “If he likes me so much why doesn’t he call?” And if he’s smart he’ll figure it out: Because even though you’re in love with him you won’t give up your dignity and you refuse to revolve your life around him. All of this translates into respect. Suddenly, you’ll stand above the rest because you’re not caught up in his drama. In fact, he’ll start thinking he might lose you. The other guys are making demands, blubbering about their feelings, wanting commitments and you, YOU are the only one who offers tons of fun. No demands, no expectations. I’d marry you. Who wouldn’t?