Q:
I’m 20, been out for almost five years now and I’ve never had a boyfriend. Yes, I’ve had plenty of hookups, but I’m so over it. They’re just not satisfying anymore, especially when they aren’t there to do it again the next night! HA HA. I know I’m never going to be in People magazine’s “50 Most Beautiful People” but I don’t think I’m fugs either. I’m 6’2, 220lbs, 34 waist, and go to the gym regularly. Maybe I’m a hypochondriac creating male-to-male dating disorders for myself, but I’d really like to know why I’ve never been asked out, or even approached by a guy at a club, or anywhere else for that matter. Help!
— Single & tired of it
Dear Single:
Dude, you’re five inches taller and fifty-eight pounds heavier than most men! At 5’9” and 162 pounds, the average guy is going to take one look at you and think he wandered into the set of Jurassic Park.
In the animal world, if something is bigger than you are, it’s probably going to eat you. And it’s going to use a lot of teeth, no matter how much you complain. Same applies to the social world. Bigger men are physically intimidating. Try approaching somebody who’s way bigger than you are and tell me how easy it is.
Size matters. It implies dominance and physical superiority. Because of your height and weight, you’re almost always going to be the initiator. The news isn’t all bad, if you look to the jungle for inspiration. Do lions get upset because they’ve never had a deer buy them a drink? Do wolves feel hurt that sheep never make the first move? Do tigers question their self-worth because everything they want to eat runs away from them? Of course not! Take it from them–meat tastes the same whether it tapped you on the shoulder or whether you chased it for miles.
Once you get over the unfairness of it all, you’re left with a big question: Now what? How do I get the confidence to approach guys and what do I say to them without looking like a fool?
For confidence, you have to redefine the way you see attractive guys. Right now you see them as a goal—you either win or you lose. There’s another way of looking at it. Click here for more details. [LINK: http://www.mikealvear.com/2010/06/08/hot-guy-phobia-what-it-is-how-to-get-over-it/]. For now, know this: You can’t buy confidence; you have to earn it. And don’t try to visualize it. It doesn’t work. It’s like masturbation—it feels good for about a minute.
Here’s how you earn it: By being good at the social skills that guys find irresistible. That takes training (what, you were hoping for a few pickup lines? Right.) And by training I mean practicing the art of “icebreaking.” In future columns I’ll be showing you some of the “training” exercises in my ebook, Meet The Hottie In The Corner–The 21 Day Plan To Overcome Your Fear of Rejection, Master the Art of Icebreakers and Snag Guys You Never Thought You Could Get. [LINK: http://www.gaydatingguides.com/gaydatingbible ]. For now, try this: Practice initiating conversations with guys you’re NOT attracted to. Because trust me, if you can’t do it with guys that don’t turn you on, you’ll never be able to do it with guys that do.