From a reader: I live in Sydney and met a hot Italian guy during Mardi Gras. It’s been incredibly passionate with lots of talk of what will happen between us when he moves here permanently next year. Then, at the last party of the festival I found him giving his number to some guy. When I challenged him on it, he said he was just trying to make friends for when he eventually settles here. Things deteriorated after one of my mates said my Italiano boy was flirting with him. So, I gave Mr. Sicily a choice: I’m either just a holiday shag – in which case, no hard feelings and good luck – or is it more? He insists it’s more and wants to be boyfriends. Do I cut and run or give him the benefit of the doubt?
–Confused Downunder
Dear Confused:
Does the sun shine so brightly in Australia that you can’t see what’s going on three feet in front of you? I don’t know who’s worse—him for being such an asshole or you for being such a blind one. If you caught him in bed with another guy—and you will—by bet is he’d say, “Who are you going to believe, ME or YOUR LYING EYES!!”
And you’re so blind I bet the first thing out of your mouth would be, “Honey, that better be me you’re fucking or we’re through!” Welcome to the Isle of Denial. Population: You. It’s a wonderful place to live except that you can’t hear reality knocking on the door and yelling, “Let me in, I’m a fact!” And the fact is, he’s a player. Nothing wrong with that, unless you want to marry and settle down. My advice: Pretend you’re watching a movie, hit the mute button and pay attention only to Italiano’s actions. As you can see, the movie’s fun but the ending sucks.
Yo, Mike!
Greetings from Puerto Vallarta. Your column is a hit in Mexico! Well, my trouble is this: I’m in a relationship with a guy who’s 12 years older than I am. He’s cute, nice and rich. It’s the last part causing the problem. His job keeps him busy ALL the time. When we’re together, he says he loves me and is the nicest man in the world but he never calls me during the day. When I call, he doesn’t pick up even though the caller ID shows it’s me. I don’t want to break up with him but I don’t want this kind of relationship. What can I do?— Puerto Call Block
Dear Call Block:
Are you, like, Sydney’s roommate in the Isle of Denial? Neither one of you understands that a man is what he does, not what he says. If actions speak louder than words then your boyfriend’s behavior should’ve burst your eardrums along with your heart. Because he’s saying, “I love you but not enough to pick up the phone.”
He clearly does not want you in his life anymore than you’re in it. The answer isn’t to break up but to wake up. You’ve broken one of dating’s most important commandment: Thou Shalt Not Let Him Become Your Priority While You Remain His Option.
Change your approach and he might change his mind. Stop calling him and only call him back. In fact, mirror the timing of his calls. If it takes him four days to call you from the last time you saw him, take four days to call him back. The point is to give him some breathing room, balance out the power in the relationship and make him look at you as something more than just a convenience.