How to ask for what you want in bed–Anal edition.

Of all the guys that have done me (and honey, the McDonald’s “Billions served” sign can’t turn fast enough to keep up with me), very few have even stroked my buns beforehand. They just expect you to throw your legs up in the air and give it to you like it’s on sale–first come first served. A girl likes a finger or a tongue now and again before she’s nailed to the mattress. Will you please tell people that a little anal foreplay goes a long way?

— Been there, sat on that

Dear Been There:
Why are you telling *me* when you can tell your partners? Don’t complain about not getting something you never asked for.

My guess, Mouth St. Helens, is that as verbose as you are, you’re embarrassed to ask for what you want. You’re probably keeping your trap shut because you sense a certain ambivalence in your partners. Guys who like topping often have a love/hate relationship with anal sex. They like the feeling of fucking a guy but they don’t want to think about the realities of where that feeling’s coming from. Let’s face it, candy’s dandy but fudge is a drudge. A condom-wrapped dick in someone’s butt is one thing, but a finger or a tongue? They start thinking of what usually comes out of that hole, not what’s about to go in it. That’s why so many want to stick it in as fast as possible.

If you sense discomfort in your partner, let him know you’re clean down there. Keep him focused on the love part of the love/hate equation. Often, showering together is a great way of softening his resistance and, ahem, stiffening his resolve.

It’s harder to ask for butt play than a blowjob in part because there aren’t any laugh-proof euphemisms for it. If you say, “I’d love it if you’d go down on me” everybody knows what you mean. If you say, “I’d love it if you’d toss my salad” the guy might head for the kitchen and start chopping tomatoes.

And you can’t just put your ass in someone’s face and say, “lick it.” Not unless you’re a hedge fund manager addressing the rest of the country. If you’re too shy to say something then try directing him. Put lube in his hands and guide them to your butt. If he tries to stick Willie in right away, then play “Show & Tell.” Say, “Wait, hold on a minute. Here’s the best way of getting me ready.” Then take his lubed fingers and gently put them on your sphincter and guide them into the positions, speed and pressure that turn you on.

As for getting a little tongue action, it takes a little more work and a lot more reciprocation, since most guys would rather be the tossed than the tosser. There’s also a real health concern—Hepatitis A & B—that should be respected. Make sure you and your partner have both been vaccinated before you do anything. If you’re good to go, go first. It’ll buy you a lot of frequent eater points. Once you kiss him “everywhere,” the combination of natural reciprocity, implied obligation and a teensy bit of guilt takes over.
And then it’s just a matter of whispering my two favorite words: MY TURN.

Don’t ever be afraid to ask for what you want. Most guys like a little direction. And if they’re really into you, they’ll be grateful. After all, half the pleasure of sex is watching your partner dial 911 and whisper, “he’s killing me.”