The battle to avoid HIV leaves some men crotch-resistant. Here’s the fix.
From a reader:
I had my first HIV test about two-and-a-half years ago. I’m sorry to say that I had it done because I was a bit “irresponsible” in my teen years. Glad to say my test came back NEGATIVE and ever since, promised myself I’d never have unprotected sex again. Unfortunately, that has not been 100% the case. I’ve had two more HIV tests since, both of which were a requirement at the companies I’ve worked at. I am once again thankful to say they were both negative.
However, the whole HIV-test process has taken a real emotional toll on me, since I have become terrified of having sex. Every time I meet I guy I’m scared to go near his crotch, for fear I might catch something. The fact that condoms are not 100% safe makes me terribly uneasy and incapable of having a good, nice romp in the hay.
This is becoming a real problem for me. Monogamy is not an option since I do not have a boyfriend (tho would love to get one——ideas?). I’ve had NO SEX for months now. I’ve been literally living off of porn. What should I do? I know it’s a good thing being responsible and not being promiscuous and all that crap, but I’m going crazy here! I need sex! Please give me some insight here. How the hell can I get rid of this stupid fear?
— Deeply traumatized
Dear Traumatized:
You’ve transferred a rational fear of unsafe sex to an irrational fear of safe sex. It sounds like you’re developing a type of anxiety disorder called Coitophobia, or Genophobia—a fear of having sex. As opposed to the rest of us, who suffer from Gotnophobia—a fear of NOT having sex. I think ours is worse, personally.
So, what are your symptoms? Check it out:
1. Breathlessness (like, when you see the HOT sign flashing at a Krispy Kreme doughnut shop).
2. Difficulty in thinking or speaking clearly (like, when you see David Beckham wiping the Krispy Kreme glaze off his lips).
3. Dizziness or nausea (when you’ve eaten the whole fucking box).
4. Fear of “going mad” or losing control (when the last cute guy leaves the bar).
5. Palpitations, shaking or sweating profusely (when you’re reading my columns).
If you have three or more of these symptoms, your best bet is that word that starts with “T” and ends with “Therapy.” You’re too far gone. And I say that as somebody who once suffered from a form of anxiety disorder. Once it hooks into you, it’s really hard to get out of it without help. You could try anti-anxiety pills like Xanax or anti-depressants but they only last for as long as you take them (been there, done that!). The good news is that a cognitive-behavioral therapist who specializes in anxiety disorders will take you from Coitophobia to Gotnophobia in as little as 12 sessions.
If you feel like you’re not that far gone (and you probably are. You sound like you’re in a lot of pain) then try some of the “exposure” and fear-reducing techniques in Edmund Bourne’s The Anxiety Disorder & Phobia Workbook.
Listen, don’t let this fear destroy your sex life or the potential for a great relationship. Yes, everyone comes with baggage but yours won’t fit in the overhead compartment. It’s time to lighten your load so you can shoot yours.