Gay Dating’s Three Big Lies

It isn’t just bad experiences that keep you from initiating a conversation with good looking strangers in gay bars and social events, it’s also because you’ve bought into a mentality that stops you before you even try. I call them The Three Big Gay Lies:

Big Gay Lie #1: If the guy you like doesn’t look back he’s not interested.
If he doesn’t send a signal, don’t bother. We’re men; we know what we want and we’re not afraid of showing it. If we’re not looking we’re not interested.

Big Gay Lie #2: The guy you want to meet is either Attracted To You Or he’s not.
You’re in or out. End of story. It’s black and white. We’re not chicks–we don’t try to “find out” if we’re interested, we just know.

Big Gay Lie #3: Men Are Beauty Nazis.
If you don’t have the look, you don’t stand a chance. There are A-Gays and everyone else. If you’re a B, or God forbid, a C-gay, good luck.

Now, let’s get real. There’s a lot of truth to these generalizations. Most gay men look if they’re interested. Most have yes/no attraction switches. And most of us tend to have an unrealistic standard of beauty.

But the key word is most. And the mathematical number that makes most a reality is 51%. That means that up to 49% of men do not fit into these categories.

Let’s take a closer look:

Big Gay Lie #1: The guy you want to meet Will Always Look At You If He’s Interested.

Not true. There are lots of good reasons why he wouldn’t glance at you:

He doesn’t know he’s not interested. He hasn’t noticed you.
• He’s shy. It’s not his style.
• He’s not sure about you and doesn’t want to take the chance of a direct gaze.
• He’s got a lot on his mind. He isn’t looking at anybody.
• He wants to party with his friends. He’s not in the mood to meet anybody new.
• He’s interested but he doesn’t want you to know it.
• He’s interested but he doesn’t want his friends to know it.
• He’s interested but he doesn’t want his boyfriend to know it. (!)
• He’s interested but he doesn’t want to come on too strong.
• He’s interested but he doesn’t think you are.
• He’s interested but it’s so subtle you’re not picking up on it.
• He’s interested but he thinks you wouldn’t be, so he doesn’t show it.

It’s true, most guys will look if they’re interested. I know I do. But I’m always amazed at how many don’t. Here’s a big gay tip: Unless you’re in a cruisy bar, most guys don’t broadcast their desires.

Let’s tackle the second generalization:

Big Gay Lie #2: The guy you want to meet is Either Attracted To You Or he’s Not.

Maybe. But how many times have you looked at a guy and thought, “Hmm, am I attracted to him? Maybe, kinda, sort of.” And he’ll never know it because you won’t let him know it, right? Otherwise he might come over and oh, dear, you’d be stuck talking to a guy that you turned out not to like. The law of gay attraction isn’t that simple. One of the longest relationships I ever had started out with a weak attraction.

You’ve probably also had another universal experience: Having an ambivalent attraction bloom into full-throated desire simply because you got to know a guy better. That’s what this plan is about–getting guys you never thought you had a chance with to actually give you that chance.

Big Gay Lie #3: Men are Beauty Nazis.
I’m not going to sit here and say you’ve got a good shot at a “10” when you’re a “2.” If that were true gay nightlife would be a lot more fun. But that doesn’t mean you can’t date guys out of your league. It’s not unusual for “5s” date “9’s” once they use new approaches to meeting, talking and building rapport with good looking strangers. I know because I’ve coached them.

The only way to make gay dating work is to stop believing in the Three Big Gay Lies and start embracing The Big Gay Opportunity. Namely, that there are a lot more handsome men waiting to meet you. If you just knew how.