Why do I keep going home with jerks?

Question:
I cruised the hottest guy and then we met. What an asshole! He had all the social skills of a drunken farmhand. Everything inside me said “don’t do it, don’t take him home, you’ll regret it.” But the fuse was lit and once again the demon below my belt took over.

Anyway, we’re in bed and I’m thinking, “If I can just get this guy to shut up I could really get into this,” cuz this guy’s body was just beautiful. Well, needless to say, he was horrible in bed—graceless with no sense of give and take, no sense of timing, no rhythm, nothing. We’re flopping around and suddenly he sits on me without a rubber. When I said “Dude, I got a rubber right here,” he lifts off me, goes down on me and then get this—he FRENCH KISSES me.

I just about had a stroke. All I could think about was what kind of horrible disease I’m going to get from this jerk. Why do I keep going home with guys that are physically attractive but socially repulsive? And could I have prevented getting a disease if I had jumped out of bed and brushed my teeth or gargled?

— Sorry it ever happened

Dear Sorry:

Dealing with good-looking assholes is the booby trap of gay dating. It’s like dealing with drugs or alcohol: When you have enough bad experiences you’ll eventually know when to say “thanks but no thanks.”

You just haven’t had enough bad experiences. Like the mark of a good partier, the mark of a highly evolved sexual being is to know when to say no.

Memorizing my Theory of Sexual Relativity will help. Remember, Einstein proved that space and time aren’t viewed as separate, independent entities, but rather that they form a four-dimensional continuum.

It’s the same thing with Desire and Disgust. They aren’t separate, independent entities. They form a braided dimensional continuum known as *WHID* (“What Have I Done?”).

Here’s my theory in question form: **Ripped Abs Divided by Your Prey’s Assholiness Multiplied by Your Level of Horniness Equals What Degree of Morning-After Disgust?**

It’s the ability to work this formula out in your head *before* you leave the bar that will make the morning after worth the night before.

As for the disease you’re likely to catch, I predict you’ll be dead in 3 months. Your only hope is to tithe half your earnings to my ministry. No wait, that’s not right. Damn, I gotta stop writing these columns when the 700 Club is on.

Hepatitis A is spread by putting something in your mouth that’s been contaminated with the stool of a person with the virus. It’s a lovely disease, really, what with the jaundice, fatigue, abdominal pain, loss of appetite, intermittent nausea, diarrhea and surly sex advisors using you as Exhibit A for getting vaccinated.

Jumping out of bed and gargling may have helped but it all depends on how far the guy’s tongue went into your mouth and whether you swallowed before you had a chance to gargle.

If you really fear he exposed you to Hepatitis you can get the IgG shot. It’s a painful mother but if you get it within 48 hours it’s an effective post-exposure protection.

If you’re gay and you haven’t been vaccinated for Hepatitis A then stop being gay. It’s an easy series of two shots and it doesn’t hurt. Remember, a dose of insurance gives sexual reassurance.