Dismantling the Myth of First Night Nookie.

It was just after midnight and we were curled up on her sofa, making out like teenagers. The first date had gone unusually well; hours of scintillating conversation, intermingled with blatant sexual innuendo, had led to a cab outside her home. When I asked if she intended to ‘invite me up for coffee’, she rolled her eyes. ‘I know exactly what kind of “coffee” you want.’

‘I like my coffee like I like my women’ I replied. ‘Dark, and just slightly bitter. Like you.’

In the flickering candlelight of her tiny living room, hands, mouths and lips were moving in synchronous motion. She was astride me, her bra vanished, and I was flicking counter-clockwise circles with the tip of my tongue around her perfectly formed, eraser-tip nipples, when I deftly slid my fingers into her jeans and down the crack of her ass. She paused.

‘I don’t think we should, tonight’ she heaved. ‘After all, it’s only our first date.’

I cradled her face in my hands. ‘We don’t have to. You’re the woman; you have the right to say no at any time. But we are adults. We’re here. We’re worked up. What is accomplished by sending me home all hot and bothered? I’m going to walk out the door and one of two things is going to happen: either we’re both going to go masturbate alone, or you’re going to masturbate and I’m going to go make a phone call. It’s up to you.’

Several hours and broken pieces of furniture later, we both agreed we’d come, to the right conclusion.

I’m always amazed in this day and age when I encounter women who choose to postpone sex with a man they think has relationship potential, either because they think they won’t be taken seriously if they sleep with a man on the first date, or out of some antiquated notion that unless you make us work for it, we won’t appreciate it.

I’m here to call bullshit on both.

First off, men know that if we’re on a date, you’ve already considered if you would sleep with us, and the answer is yes. Women decide this in about fifteen seconds. That’s no guarantee that a woman will sleep with a man. One, two, five or ten dates; it doesn’t matter, the answer is still the same: you’ve already considered fucking me and the dating process is just a test to see if I’m going to say or do something so monumentally stupid, it makes you change your mind.

Once a man understands this, he’s free to actually get to know a woman as a human being and not just the Guardian at the Gates of the Temple Punani. There’s just no rush to jump in bed, it’s going to happen when it’s going to happen. Jack’s Ninth Rule of Dating applies here: Hands off, until. Never pressure a woman for sex or put your hands on her prematurely. If a man is Paying Attention (Jack’s Seventh Rule of Dating) he will know instinctively how to read her signs, and when (and how) to seal the deal.

This has no bearing on whether or not you will end up in a relationship. Unless you are the Trix rabbit, there is nothing magical about your pussy.

Magic is what happens before, during, and after sex. The last five women I fell in love with and got involved in long term relationships with, all slept with me on the first night. Did it make me think less of them? No. Sexual compatibility is a big issue and if you have hangups or inhibitions, I want to know right up front. Do I want you to make me work for it? Absolutely, but the real challenge isn’t getting a woman to open her legs, it’s getting a woman to open her heart.

Does this mean that every woman who spreads her legs on day one is going to end up in a relationship? Obviously not. Most fucking is just for fucking sake and does not lead to deep meaning, and honestly that’s fine. What it means is, people who end up in long term relationships have more going on than what’s happening between the sheets, and are willing to work at it.

There are (at least) two other major factors to consider: First, just because a woman sleeps with you does not mean she ever will again. Even a sizzling sexual performance does not guarantee you a repeat performance, much less a season pass. At any time for any reason, your pussy privileges can be revoked. The real work of being together starts after you’ve been intimate, not before.

Second I will testify as a man that, if we get up in there and it’s good, we want to wrap yellow hazard tape around your coochie and ward off all other solicitors. Lets face it, women have more options than men ever do, and once I know the NaNa is good, I don’t want you considering them. What I want is to lock that ass down for my damn self and stamp it: BELONG TO JACK.

Which from a woman’s perspective involves not just laying the smack down in bed; it means proving I’m more than just a good fuck. A woman might sleep with you once or twice out of curiosity, but after that, if you don’t give empirical evidence that you’re worth introducing to her friends, taking home to Mom, and being proud to call ‘her man,’ you’re probably going to get bounced to the curb.

In either case, it’s time to abandon the concept that women who enjoy sex are ‘easy.’ You can be tenacious and still be highly in tune with your sexuality.  Emotional openness is always harder to achieve.

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