Guest blogger Moxie on the nature of women sacrificing who they are for what they want.
Are The Rules really so bad? Sure, there are some for whom following their own path worked out just fine. They were who they were, which in and of itself made them that much more attractive and appealing, and they found someone who appreciated their choice to walk their own path. Yes, it absolutely happens. No question. But don’t you think those women had their own rules? And are they “The Rule” (see what I did there?) or an exception to “The Rules.”
Were The Rules themselves so offensive? Or was it the idea that women were being advised to change or soften their behavior? And is suggesting that a woman soften her behavior really so bad?
I’ve been told my whole life that I needed to round off my sharp edges. My experience has been that when I have, I’ve caught more flies with honey than with vinegar. Know what? I didn’t feel like I was settling or compromising in anyway. Who I inherently was did not change. What changed was how other people (men and women) perceived me. Since we can not control other people’s perceptions of us, isn’t it always best to err on the side of caution rather than to assume people should take us or leave us as is? To me that belief system, in and of itself, is off putting. “Screw you! I don’t have to change for anybody!” Come on! Of course we do. We change for our parents, we change for our friends, we change for potential employers. Why is it any different to adjust your behavior when you’re seeking a relationship?
How come it seems the only women to complain about how old fashioned and manipulative The Rules are are women who have the most trouble finding mates? Why don’t I ever hear many women who are married or settled in to healthy relationships (traditional or non-traditional) complaining about how The Rules is a bunch of sexist crap?
Now, I’m not saying The Rules is the single woman’s Bible. Nor am I saying they don’t seem, as they are written in that book, manipulative to some degree. But can we honestly say that there isn’t a foundation of truth or accuracy in them?
I interpret The Rules and most other similar advice type tomes (though I really don’t read most) the way I interpret The Bible. I’m a contextualist, not a literalist. I don’t take them word for word. But I do listen to what is being said, decide for myself whether they make sense, and then apply and execute them as I see fit. And you know what? A lot of those rules? They make sense.
Here are The Top 10 Rules as listed on the author’s website. With the exception of #5 (In a long distance relationship, he must visit you three times before you visit him..) and #6 (When placing a personal ad, let the man reply to you. Sorry, ladies, you’re way off on that one. If women did that they’d never meet anyone online) can we really say these guidelines are that far off?
Rule #1 – Be creature like any other – My interpretation: Just like in a job interview, you make it crystal clear to the employer why nobody else is more of a perfect fit for the job than you. It means showcase your talents while still being humble, while knowing what you bring to the table and believing in yourself.
Rule #2 – Show up to parties even if you don’t feel like it My interpretation: Don’t let yourself get too comfortable being alone. As someone who struggles with this point myself, I can’t stress this one enough. It’s great to decide you are perfectly okay with a night with your remote,a bubble bath, some magazines and a glass of wine. You should take time for yourself. But allow yourself to always stay at home because you’ve convinced yourself there won’t be anyone of interest at whatever party or gathering, and you’ll develop a serious case of the anti-socials.
Rule #3 – It’s a fantasy relationship until a man asks you out –My Interpretation: Word. Too often we put our eggs in one basket, waiting for that one man or woman to up the ante and make e move. We read in to every word they say, every sentence, every text or email. Until they state their intention and make a move? They’re just an unrequited crush. Also known as a time waster. How many people do you know who have pined away for someone unavailable, wasting weeks, months even years? Don’t do that.
Rule #4 – In an office relationship, do not reply back every time he emails you unless it’s business related My Interpretation: I’ll invoke my favorite dating a relationship expert (next to Mike, of course) on this one. As Tracey Cox says, practice The Law of Scarcity. Be too available and they’ll take you for granted. It’s in our nature to want what we think we can not have. So letting them think they don’t have you isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Should you hide under a rock for a month and never answer their calls? No. But it doesn’t hurt to switch things up a bit and keep them guessing.
How many people who have tried using these rules can say that they didn’t work?
The thing is, I don’t think women or men needed this book to tell them what works and what doesn’t. Most of it is common sense, advise we heard from our Moms or our friends, that we practiced as early as in junior high. So what’s the problem?
The problem, I think, is that many people took offense to the fact that two random women decided we didn’t know any better and needed their book in order to land a man. It was as if we were being given unsolicited (but not necessarily incorrect) advice. And who likes unsolicited advice? Not me. It makes me think that whomever is imparting their wisdom upon me is really just calling me stupid.
So..is that it? Is that what really bothers us about The Rules? That they served as a reminder that maybe we’ve made mistakes or – gasp! – need a little help?
Here’s what I’ve learned in my 41 years on this earth: Whenever I’ve let my pride get in the way of asking for assistance, it’s taken me twice as long to arrive at my desired destination. Now, that doesn’t mean when I got there it was any less fantastic or fulfilling. But I know that I’ve always wished I could have gotten there soon so as to enjoy it longer.
Just my two cents.