Like A Pornstar

Like A Pornstar

rantfingers

Kelly Kreth’s take on a woman scorned… who ended up scorning all over Craig’s List.

This week, Gawker, in its continuing commitment to be super-servicey to the snarky set, linked to a wham-pow New York City Craigslist rant. If you have never checked out the rants on the dreaded CL, they are usually boring, poorly written and offensive.

But not this one. Foster Kamer from Gawker touted it as, “Craigslist Rant of the Week” in his posting:  In Recognition of Our City’s Amateur Scribes: The Winter of Our Cock Deficiency , and I agree.

Craigslist rants last only seven days, so I’m going to paste in the text of it for your perusal:

TITLE: Here’s what I’d like to say to NoteGuy:
This was probably one of the coldest things someone has ever sent me. It’s like getting a form letter of rejection for a resume you sent to some HR department.
Clearly you like coldness, so let it snow:

1) You do not know how to fuck. I understand it isn’t your fault you have a really short cock, but by 36 years old, one would think you’d learn how to use it.

2) Along those lines, you selfishly never even tried to go down on me once and one would think if one had a cock deficiency one would at least try to compensate by going another route.

3) Most women would NEVER go out with a guy who couldn’t even pay for one date. Instead of being grateful, you act even more pathetic by being cold.

4) There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a waiter, and that is what you are. Not a published writer or famed artist. A waiter. Own it. You are a waiter that has some great hobbies: writing, drawing, painting, and skiing.

5) Again, if a man doesn’t have money to pay for a date, one would think he’d compensate by being kind and engaging. Who the hell do you think you are telling me that I’m being intrusive when you are laying in my bed? I asked what you were thinking out of curiosity and a genuine interest in getting to know you better. Instead of lashing out of me, try acknowledging your own communication failings.

6) It is great to have dreams and goals. It is admirable. But you delusionally talk about how you’ll have an apartment in NY and own a house in VT, when the reality is your Daddy pays half your rent. And you have the nerve to say you don’t see a future for us, eluding to the fact that you think you are too good for me….

Now, go fuck yourself. Trust me, it won’t be very good.

How was this for a note?

The writer here is obviously angry and may very well be a literary Picasso herself because she paints a very clear picture of a man-boy that I could only assume would resemble Kato Kaelin. Waiter, skiier, dutch-goer… I bet he even has sideburns…
Full disclosure, I know of the two people referenced in the above ad. While  both want to remain anonymous, I can tell you that this was the culmination of a bad week for the writer.  Much of which had very little to do with her “NoteGuy”.
There’s this scene in the brilliant satirical film, Network, directed by Sidney Lumet in 1976 and winner of multiple Academy Awards, where the lead character, Howard Beale, gets fired from his broadcasting job, and loses his shit on live television. In this famous scene  he has a rant to end all rants in which he says, “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore…”  I believe he eventually incites viewers to open their windows and scream the same as loudly as they can.
Instead of this solidifying his ousting, it actually makes him even more of a commodity because now he has turned his strife into a form of art—a sort of reality tv–and I believe, this is what this CL ranter has done.
Clearly, this rant is the culmination of many things–factors that had very little to do with the waiter she was dating and his few shortcomings.  But she seems to have reached a point where she decided her only recourse was to take arms against of sea of troubles and by opposing, end them.
The holidays are upon us, the recession is not receding, the weather is frightful, and we are all aging every second of every day. That is enough to make anyone crazy. And then the guy you are dating–the one you look forward to seeing and laying next to—forsakes you via a two-sentence text that resembles “form letter of rejection for a resume you sent to some HR department.”
Apparently “NoteGuy’s” “cold” message to this woman was the straw that broke the camel’s toe and instead of screaming it out her window, she spewed into cyberspace via keyboard.
Your thoughts?