Ah, the speed of it all. Surely you’ve heard of Eight Minute Dating by now. But what about the Eight Minute Relationship? The Eight Minute Non-Date. In this day of email and text messaging, sometimes relationships–even romantic ones–start and stop without even one audible word. It’s really as simple as a decision between SEND and DELETE.
We feel so close to another person, can see their pictures, can chat with them quickly everywhere with seemingly no one to witness. But there are witnesses; it’s all documented. So great to copy and paste an IM to a friend to show EXACTLY how the dialogue went down. To pinpoint exactly at what click the clicking ceased.
Take for example, the story of how Mike and I met a party on Saturday. He followed me around like a puppy, imploring my friends to hook him up with me. He talked to me about how our last names were so similar it was surely a sign we would get married. He went on to explain he had broken up with his live-in girlfriend three months before because she wanted to get married, and he analyzed and analyzed and realized she just wasn’t “the one.” He said one look at me and he knew I could be. I remained aloof until the car ride home where the wine and wooziness of it all was conducive to a kiss.
He sent an email Monday asking me to a party on Friday far away. A quick succession of emails back and forth, occurred with me trying to explain how I would feel uncomfortable driving two hours to a party where I knew no one and then having to stay at his friend’s house, when I had only met him once for an hour. Then more emails involving him trying to convince me. Finally, I asked what he is doing Sunday instead, and he explained that he watches football (ugh), but could meet later. Right on. But no, not really right on because an hour later after another emotionless “You’ve Got Mail” he canceled saying maybe we could get together tomorrow (Thursday) instead after work for a drink in NEW JERSEY. I agreed, but I was fuming at the ungentlemanly quality of his request. The man should make a first date convenient for the woman. Not ask her to leave work early, take a train and a bus. But instead, tired of typing, I simply asked that he CALL the following day to confirm.
Instead, I got another email the next morning saying he’s confirming, but will have to leave by 8 because something came up. So now, I’m supposed to train it, bus it and walk it, for a mere hour meeting. I took a minute to process and decided to write him back. “Forget it, man. I’m over it. This is not going as I thought it would. I need the person I date to be excited by me.”
Finally he emailed and said that he thinks “we” went too fast. Delved into topics that shouldn’t come up for at least three months, during our hour long first meeting. He said he replayed the conversation in his head several times and was turned off by the fact he talked about marriage in our first hour of knowing each other. I said I wasn’t interested if his commitment phobia was so prevalent it was driving its own SUV on the information superhighway. He then begged, saying he really wanted to meet and would on my terms. I told him to think about it for a few weeks. I never heard back.
So there you have it. The rise and fall of a relationship. The date without dating. The MAILER DAEMON error. The eight minute relationship followed swiftly by the three minute heartbreak.
Next.
My friend Jen recently shared a similar story, starting off by saying, “If you can’t choose a first movie together, you know there is no possibility for a relationship. It is doomed before it starts.”
She got fixed up with Roy recently. She saw a picture of him dressed as a fireman for Halloween and she is a sucker for firemen. Even fake ones. Thank goodness Peter Braunstein is safely in jail.
She sent on their email chain to me so I could read the downward spiral their online relationship took.
It starts off with him listing the movies he’d like to see based on box office ratings—meaning he picked all big budget flicks. She counters with a list of indies and documentaries. His reply? “But look at the low ratings. These films didn’t make any money.” He continues by adding, “Look at your choices: a love story, 4 familial dysfunctional types and a documentary. That is quite a range.”
Just a few sentences in, she surmised this was just not going to work.
After a few more sentences, she was sure of it.
He wanted to compromise and see American Gangster. Jen thought about it for a while before answering.
“I selected Indies. I’m not a snob. I like plenty of mainstream media, but if you start to off on a first date with choosing middle grounds with entertainment by compromising, where does it stop? What about road trips when you want to talk and he wants to listen to music? Vacations–big commercial all-inclusive resorts vs. exotic private exclusive getaways?” she pondered out loud.
When she suggested making reservations for Mexican, and he balked, writing that they’d just walk around and find a place, she had to stop the madness.
She hit REPLY and typed that she had changed her mind and to have a good night. She CTRL + ALT + DEL’d him right out of her life.
She gorged herself with Mexican while watching a movie with subtitles and was content.
Still, she wondered how she could be so annoyed with someone whose voice she had never even heard.