Writing the first body language guide for gay men has ruined my Saturday nights. I can no longer go out and have a good time without obsessively watching the body language in gay bars. This guy’s gestures are turning the other man off and that guy’s posture is giving off the wrong signals. Can’t I just enjoy my vodka?
No, I can’t. Because I want gay guys to connect. Sometimes I just want to march up to a guy and say, “Look, you’re doing it all wrong. Try this!” But I know he’ll never get it even if I show him, because first he has to understand what he’s doing wrong. And to do that, he has to be aware of what he’s doing at all.
As guys, we are simply not that aware of what our bodies are doing or communicating. In one famous experiment, 95% of people couldn’t pick out the back of their hand in a line-up of photographs!
Your body’s got a vocabulary of its own and its ‘words’ don’t always match the ones coming out of your mouth. For example, you might say something that telegraphs your interest but don’t look in his eyes. Your words say, “Come here” but your body hands him his hat. Since 65% of communication is non-verbal–especially in gay dating situations, he’ll probably take the hat—and the hint. That’s why you need to know what you’re body is doing–so it won’t sabotage what you’re saying.
Let’s do a quick test. Fold your arms over your chest. Did you cross them left over right or right over left? Now reverse it. If you’re like most people, you had a ‘body stutter’—a hesitation caused by a previously subconscious body movement coming into awareness. Your body has developed many gestures, postures, expressions and movements you’re not conscious of. Especially when Mr. Man walks by. You need to find out what they are. The question is how?
“Freeze!”
That’s what you’re going to say to yourself whenever you’re around a group of people. You’ll do a silent body check: “What’s the expression on my face? Am I smiling or frowning? What are my hands doing? My arms? Where are my feet pointing? My knees? Am I leaning in or away? Is my body and face pointing in the same direction? Am I looking at the ground, out the window or in their eyes? Am I glancing or drooling?
When I first developed this simple awareness technique I couldn’t believe what I discovered. *I*, the supposed dating expert, was sending out all kinds of negative signals! Not just in gay clubs but in dates and business meetings. That’s because any stressful situation causes you to subconsciously put yourself on guard. And make no mistake about gay nightlife–it’s stressful as hell. Anytime you want to meet a man you’re going to redline the anxiety meter.
If you want to make sure that your body language is in line with your intentions, “Freeze!” yourself. Say:
- Freeze! Then, look at your hands. Are they in your pockets? Take them out.
- Freeze! Look at your fingers. Are you pointing? Draw the finger in.
- Freeze! Look at your palms. Are they facing down? Turn them up.
- Freeze! Look at your arms. Are they crossed? Uncross them.
The only way to make sure that you’re body is in sync with your words and intentions is to be aware of your actions, gestures, and expressions. Playing Freeze! helps. Play it well and play it often.