Like A Pornstar

Like A Pornstar

Atlanta blog workshop

As I sat in the blogging workshop offered by Mike Alvear (the founder of this site) I could only think of one thing: I’m in the wrong place.

Alvear is a sex advice columnist, so I figured his blogging workshop was for people who wanted to learn how to get laid through their blog. But everybody there signed up because they wanted to make money, sell their book or prop up their business.

How embarrassing. For them, I mean. Everybody knows that books are dead, business is dying and you can’t make money at home.

Clearly, I was the only who ‘got it’. Or rather, hoping to get it. Or some. Whatever. Alvear and his co-presenter, NPR commentator Hollis Gillespie seemed momentarily fazed by the name of my blog (TheCucumberHasLeftTheSalad.com), but they rallied to give me a few pointers. I can’t say the workshop met my objectives, (I’m still lay-free), but I did learn a few things that helped my writing. Such as…

Lists are a guaranteed way to attract attention.

I came up with this list of Top Ten Things Not to Say in Bed, and I must say, I got more hits (translation: some) than I’ve ever gotten before (translation: none):

  1. “Is it in?”
  2. “oooh, kinky! Your sister won’t let me do that.”
  3. “Don’t freak out. HIV isn’t that bad–I’ve lost 10 pounds since I got it.

  4. “Am I in?”
  5. “Do you smell something burning?”
  6. “On second thought, let’s turn off the lights.”
  7. “Are you in?”
  8. “I think you have it on backwards.”
  9. “Wow! You’re good enough to do this for a living!”
  10. “Are they in?”
Another thing I learned is that the best way to come up with ideas is to read what other bloggers are writing and take the opposite view or extend the conversation. For instance, I read Alvear’s post about Michael Jackson (“How do you mourn a child molester”) and came up with a new post:

“How to Molest a Mourning Child.” I’m particularly proud of the headline I came up with:

Michael Jackson’s Last Words: “Take me to the Children’s Hospital.”

The other thing I learned from the workshop is that I can increase my Google ranking by labeling all the pictures I upload with keywords relevant to my site. So, in the past I might have simply labeled the picture below, “Stress_Reduction.jpg”

bangheadhere

But now I know to name it using keywords relevant to my site.  Like Bang_me.jpg.

I can’t in good faith recommend Alvear’s blogging workshop. I mean, I’ve done everything he and Hollis Gillespie recommended and yet I can’t seem to avoid the masturbatorium on Saturday nights. Although I must admit, there’s something to be said for a blogging workshop that answers the one question every blogger has:

“Do you spell ‘publicity whore’ with one whore or two?”


Find out how many whores it takes at Mike Alvear & Hollis Gillespie’s Atlanta Blogging Workshop. Click here for more info.