A stripper claims she was amazed at the swimmer’s stamina.
Why? When Phelps was caught smoking pot he said he only took one hit–and held it for three minutes.
Guest Blogger Susan Walsh explains.
This week Michael Phelps was awarded a gold medal for stamina by a stripper who participated in a three-way with him and a lap dancer. She claimed he was able to perform for three hours straight:
“The sex lasted for about three hours. Michael should get another Olympic gold for marathon love-making!” she told the New York Post.
Whoo hoo, you can’t be serious. There’s not enough lube in the world to make that pleasurable. Even if he divided his time between the stripper and the lap dancer, that’s still a solid 90 minutes of thrusting per vagina. At about 90 tpm’s, that’s over 8,000 thrusts per girl. Um, no. No, thank you. That right there is a myth that needs to be debunked immediately.
Guys are getting so much bad information, first from porn, then from each other, and apparently from strippers on occasion. It’s a deadly vicious cycle.
Here’s my recommended script for stopping the insanity. Sit your partner down asap and tell the truth. Completion of this task will earn you undying gratitude from your sisters in mediocre sex:
Myth #1: Women want you to last a long time.
“Don’t get all excited, you still have to try. If you last thirty seconds, we’re gonna tweet and text that news all over the place. Basically, a few minutes is fine for most women. Since many women don’t have orgasms during intercourse, it works best for them to go first. Penetration is nice afterwards, but let’s face it; at that point it’s more about what you need. So you needn’t be drawing things out unnecessarily, causing us to miss the Lost finale and such.”
Every woman I know has been known to glance over at the digital clock and marvel that only 9 minutes have passed since he started. After twenty minutes, our minds wander to the Nordstrom’s Half Yearly sale, which starts Wednesday!
Myth #2: If it’s wet and slippery, it will feel amazing when you touch it.
“I know that you have figured out that there is such a thing as the clitoris. (Engineering majors get a pass on this.) But you waste a lot of time fumbling around the whole damned area. If the entry point were so delightful, we’d be inserting tampons even when we weren’t on our periods, now, wouldn’t we? Do you have any idea how frustrating it is when all we want is for you to ZERO IN, and you’re preoccupied with trying to stick three fingers in at once? Finding the spot where the magic happens is really extremely straightforward. You just need to follow True North, so bring a compass if you can’t figure it out.”
One guy likened looking for the clit to going spelunking, but he must be with women who have had, like, 13 kids if it’s a cave he’s entering. Once he strikes gold, you can direct him to slip off slightly to whatever side you prefer. I was once with a guy who seemed to think he was calling for the elevator. Poor little rosebud!
Myth #3: Oral sex is optional.
I was horrified the other day when a young woman told me that her ex was not a fan of going downtown. What? She was with this guy for a while! I demanded to know if he had ever done that for her. “Yeah,” she said, “but infrequently, and of very short duration. He was not an enthusiast.” Not an enthusiast? Buddy, you wanna ride on this bus, you are going to have to go downtown, that’s all there is to it. So I asked her to estimate what percentage of guys love giving oral sex, based on her experience, plus what her guy friends say. She put it at 10%.
10%!!!!!
This is the age of female sexual empowerment! Why are girls not demanding this of their sex partners?
“You don’t like the taste or smell? False. Not possible. That has to be cultural conditioning. Evolution or creation, either way the nectar of the vajayjay has to be ambrosia to men. Has to be. If it wasn’t, we would smell and taste different, or there wouldn’t be any sex. Oh, and by the way, they don’t call it diving for nothing. Get in there and plan to get fully submerged. Man up and go down!”
Myth #4: We don’t want you to give up trying until we come.
“This may sound contradictory to the recommendations above. It is not. There are some times when a woman is not going to feel the earth move. For whatever reason, sometimes the sensations morph from excruciatingly pleasurable to just excruciating. We want you to stop, but we know your feelings will be hurt if we tell you to just give it up. It is not personal, and if you have tried, and you are happy, then we can be happy too. We appreciate the effort, and would like a rain check, please. The woman’s hierarchy of sexual needs looks something like this for most women:
First Place Finish: Significant orgasm
Second Place Finish: Blip orgasm
Third Place Finish: Intimate sex with no orgasm
Honorable Mention: A for effort, but no deal
You’re Fired: You didn’t notice either way
We’ll be happy if you place anywhere in the top three.”
Myth #5: We care how big your penis is.
“Well, we do care a little, but honestly, we care very little. And we only care at all because this is where we fall victim to cultural conditioning. If you were to blindfold a woman and ask her to guess the size of various penises entering her one after the other”
(entering reverie) Oh, sorry, where was I? Oh, right
“she would be unable to tell apart all but the penises two standard deviations from the mean. Seven inches hurts our cervix, for your information. Getting pounded from behind with a big one gets old fast. Three inches will get the job done, providing the same friction and covering the g-spot for those women lucky enough to have them, sigh. So stop strutting around acting like a douche bag if you’ve got a big wing wang. We’d rather have the pint-sized delight.”
Note: I know I’m not speaking for every woman here. We’re all different. What have I left out? Oh, and if you are a woman who has six lovely orgasms on average during a three hour intercourse sesh, please feel free to not comment. If you’re a guy, please go back and commit the above material to memory.