How To Prepare For Anal
Clean yourself from the inside out
The best way to get your butt clean for anal is to eat enough fiber so your stool hits the toilet like an Acapulco diver.
That way, a shower and a little finger-mopping would be the only preparation you’d need before sex.
Fiber Keeps Your Shit Together
Soluble fiber dissolves in water but isn’t digested, so it absorbs excess liquid in the colon, forms a thick gel and adds lots of bulk to your feces as it parades up Intestinal Hill and down to Rectum Road, picking up stragglers. It also softens and pushes through impacted fecal matter.
Fiber Shapes Your Shit
Ever see those old videos of Tokyo transit police using giant swab sticks to push passengers into overcrowded trains? That’s what insoluble fiber (like broccoli) does.
Since it won’t dissolve in water and can’t be absorbed by the body, it passes through your stomach essentially intact, compacting brown “passengers” into the intestinal train and giving them the best shape to go through the colon and out your anus without breaking off and leaving unwanted specimens.
Fiber Is How You Prepare Yourself For Gay Sex
By “bulking up” waste matter and shaping it for easier transit, fiber ensures that feces leave the rectum and anal canal virtually intact, leaving you with just a smidge of sludge, a slight residue that’s easy to clean with a finger job.
The problem is that you most likely suffer from a serious fiber deficiency. How do I know? Because the American Dietetic Association says so.
The recommended fiber intake for men is 30-38 grams. The actual intake? 10-15 grams. This means, you, the average guy, eats less than half the recommended amount of fiber!
The news is worse than you think. Some health experts believe men should eat 60 grams of fiber a day.
Your mission, if you really want to know how to prepare for first time anal, is to consistently eat about 40 grams of fiber a day.
Here are a few tips on how to do that through diet alone:
Eat foods that are high in soluble fiber
Soluble fiber dissolves easily in water, forming a gel-like substance that absorbs water and makes the bowel contents stickier, binding more waste to it.
This slows the speed that foods move through the stomach, making you feel fuller longer and helping you maintain or lose weight.
The slow transit time is incredibly helpful if you suffer from diarrhea. Soluble fiber also softens your stool so it can pass through your system more comfortably.
It also lowers the levels of LDL cholesterol and improves your ability to control your body’s blood glucose level.
Examples of soluble fiber: bananas, apples, brown rice, white beans.
Eat foods that are high in insoluble fiber
Insoluble fiber doesn’t dissolve in water. In fact, it passes through your intestines intact and that’s why it increases stool bulk.
It’s also why it accelerates transit time, relieving constipation.
Examples of insoluble fiber: Kale, lentils, pears.
If you’ve got stomach problems and they tilt toward loose stools you are not going to be prepared for gay anal sex.
So load up on soluble fiber because it slows transit time, relieving diarrhea. If they tilt toward the other way, focus on insoluble fiber as it speeds transit time, relieving constipation.
If nutritional ignorance prevents you from estimating your fiber intake (hey, some guys I know think root beer is a vegetable), you can calculate the fiber in your meals by using WebMD’s dietary fiber calculator.
Now, what if diet alone can’t get you to your fiber goals?
You won’t be ready for anal sex, so it’s time to..
GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER WITH FIBER SUPPLEMENTS
Fiber supplements can be an enormous help but I would be derelict in my duty if I didn’t say you’re much better off getting fiber through your diet.
The main drawback to supplements is that they lack the vitamins, minerals, and antioxidants you get from eating high fiber foods like fruits, whole grains, and beans.
Still, there’s no downside to taking fiber supplements, so let’s talk about how to decide what you should take.
The kind of fiber supplement (psyllium, methylcellulose, wheat dextrin) or brand (Konsyl, Metamucil, Citrucel, etc.) you take or the forms you take it (pills, powder, caplets, gummy bears) don’t really matter. They all behave in pretty much the same way.
The most common source for fiber supplements is psyllium, which comes from the seeds of a plant species called Plantago Ovata.
When the husk of these seeds is placed in water they expand in size and take on a gel-like consistency. This gel-like mass soaks up water and adds bulk to your stool.
In powder form these supplements taste like sawdust sprinkled with sweeteners. Fortunately, many come in pills and capsules. Start with the minimum dosage in the bottle and work yourself up. S-L-O-W-L-Y.
Too much fiber at one time can make you bloat, pass gas and create unenviable digestive issues. Remember, bedrooms are No Fart Zones.
You don’t want your partners dying of auto-not-so-erotic asphyxiation.
Three things you should know about taking fiber supplements:
1. Spread your fiber intake throughout the day. Don’t take the full dose only at night. Spread it evenly throughout the morning, afternoon and bedtime.
2. Take medications at least one hour before fiber supplements or two hours after. Fiber is known to absorb certain medicines, diverting them from your body.
3. Drink lots of water. Did I say a lot? Because I mean A LOT. Taking fiber without water is like bottoming without lube. It’s going to hurt like hell. Drink at least eight ounces of water with every dosage.
Conclusion: Fiber Is How You Prepare Your Butt For Anal Sex
Eating enough fiber is the only way to make sure that you can bottom without stains or odors.
Fiber improves the passage of feces through your colon so that it comes out soft but firm, sweeping up stragglers and leaving no remnants in the rectum as it exits your anus.
Fiber is not going to make the boys at Brita raise a glass of your butt spit and say, “Now THAT’S filtered water!” But it will make sure that whatever comes out of your poop chute won’t be embarrassing.