GAY BOTTOMING TIPS
How To Get The Most Out Of A Top
Want to know how to be a better bottom? Bring out the best in your top.
A skilled topping partner can make the difference between pain and glory. Unfortunately, there are few guys named glory. As mentioned earlier, gay men don’t actually have much anal sex (a study showed that only 37% of guys had anal sex in their last encounter).
This means inexperience abounds. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing until you realize an alarming number of guys learn about anal sex through porn. That’s like learning how to spell from somebody who can’t read.
Porn shows us that there’s only one way to top: Act like you flexed and the sleeves came off, take hostages and give them a back alley pounding. Your wishes mean nothing to him. Oooh, does it hurt, Princess? Shut up, it’s supposed to hurt! WHACK!
Now there’s a lot to be said for the junkyard dog school of anal sex, but for newbies hoping for a future without wheelchairs? Not so much.
On the other side of the coin, you might end up with a teacup poodle—a tender top who’s so sensitive to your feelings he doesn’t exactly fit the portrait of somebody you want to submit to. Unlike the porn stereotype, he really does care about whether it hurts, but he doesn’t know how to assert his masculinity in a sexually appealing way.
The best partner for a newbie is a romanticized version of a dom top. He’s the ideal mix of a good power driller and the dreamy husband who knows how to make love. However, this kind of lover is exceedingly hard to come by.
From a probability standpoint, the odds are that you’re going to end up with a junkyard dog, rather than an idealized lover or a teacup poodle. This means you’re going to have to take control early and often or the pain is going to turn you into a man-hating homosexual.
How To Deal With A Junkyard Dog
The problem with junkyard dogs is that they come at you as if they’re staging a rape. This makes the bottom partner’s entire puborectal area—sphincter, S-curve, and surrounding muscles—tighten with the force of a boa constrictor.
It’s easy to spot the kind of guy that turns into a junkyard dog in bed. If he takes his dog out to pee and they both use the same tree, chances are he’s going to be unthinking in bed.
If he thinks fast food is hitting a deer at 65 MPH, he probably doesn’t think patience is a virtue.
If he kisses you roughly he’s going to treat you like a Thanksgiving Day turkey—he’s going to spread your legs open and try to stuff it in.
The key is to slow him down early, way before he’s on top of you, naked. Your goal is to interrupt his pattern and set new ones. Start non-verbally. If he manhandles you, take his hand and rub it gently on your body, indicating how you like it.
If he starts ripping your shirt off, put your hands over his and whisper “gentle.” If he kisses you like he’s won a war, put a finger over his lips, kiss him how you want to be kissed, and say, “like this.”
Keep ratcheting up the pattern-interrupts until he gets it. They say diplomacy is the art of saying “nice doggie” while you get a bigger rock, but in this case, it’s just about getting the doggie to be nicer. It’s important to verbally encourage him when he does what you want (“I love it when you kiss me like that”). Sometimes you don’t even need words. Just moan upon receiving a touch or a kiss that feels good. Other times you have to be direct—“Oww, that hurts. Touch me gently–it really turns me on.”
How To Deal With A Teacup Poodle
Let’s say you’re on the couch and nothing is happening because Peter Poodle won’t make a move. How do you get him to take charge?
First, make sure you’re not sending “go away” signals. Any gesture or movement that forms a barrier, like folding your arms over your chest, is a signal you don’t want things to go further.
The same holds true if you hold your hands together, cross your legs, close your knees, slouch, or hold anything that blocks your chest, heart, and stomach. They’re all a signal to stay away.
Are your arms crossed? Uncross them. Are you holding your hands together? Separate them. Are you holding your drink in a way that forms a man-moat? Put it down.
All of these actions open up what body language researchers call your “Territory Line,” physically inviting people to get closer to you.
Okay, let’s say you’ve opened up your body language but Peter Poodle still isn’t making a move. Now what? It’ll be easier for him to make a move if you lock eyes, so get him to look at you. How?
Turn and face him.
Body language researchers have long noted that romantically interested couples will unconsciously mirror each other. We imitate each other’s gestures, postures, and expressions to create rapport and a feeling of acceptance. It’s a way of saying, “I like you, I’m on the same wavelength.”
If you turn to face him he’ll soon “mirror” you and turn to face you—all within five to fifty seconds. See my body language book, Attract Hotter Guys for more tips on getting guys to pay attention to you.
Okay, you’ve opened your “Territory Line,” and got him to face you directly. Now it’s time for him to touch you. You could just touch him yourself but you need to set expectations for him to be more assertive. How do you do that?
Pick up his hand and put it on your leg.
It really is that easy. He’s naturally going to rub, squeeze or move his hand higher, and now he’s got you right where you want him: Set up to kiss you.
If it takes him more than a minute to land a kiss you know you’re dating a potted plant and that you’re going to have to water him by the end of the evening. Seriously, don’t you kiss him. Get him to kiss you. In your most charming voice say, “Are you going to kiss me or what?”
At some point he’ll realize you’re not seducing him; you’re inviting him to seduce you. Praise him when he initiates a kiss. If he hears you say, “I like a guy who takes charge” he will finally get the hint.
This is how you become a great bottom–by bringing out the best in a top.
KEEPING YOUR TOP HARD
Whether you’ve tamed the Rottweiler or goosed the Poodle, there is a very real possibility he won’t get hard enough to top you. Let’s take a look at what might give him a flat tire and how you can help.
Manage The Ick Factor
You think you’re worried about setting off a shit bomb? You should open up his head and see the fears wiggling in his amygdala. His organizing principle in bed is probably, “Never assume it’s just a fart.”
What you can do
Make sure you took all the steps outlined in the Avoiding A Shit Show chapter. If you lower your underwear and you don’t smell as fresh as a daisy, your partner’s Willie Will Not. Consider using talcum powder to set his mind at ease. If the first thing he smells telegraphs cleanliness it’s likelier to ease his hygiene worries. This will also help with an age-old problem that prevents any kind of sex from happening: Swamp crotch—the graveyard of smells where boners go to die.
Disclaimer: Many guys like the smell of man musk. Professional armpit sniffers (yes, they really exist–who do you think advises underarm deodorant companies?) say it can act like an aphrodisiac.
If you or the guy you like is into more natural smells, you need to cultivate an aroma that fits with what experts say is an appealing manscent: The natural smells of men with good hygiene.
That means showering but not putting on underarm deodorant or cologne. It doesn’t mean showing up for a date straight from a showerless three-day hike. Smells shouldn’t have texture.
Lower His Performance Anxiety
For guys who like to top, anxiety around sex comes from social expectations of masculinity ( you’re always horny, always hard) and watching porn ( you’re big as a bridge, never go soft and cum like a fire hydrant).
Studies show about one-third of men experiencing some type of “situational impotence” at least once a year–all due to stress or fear of inadequacy.
In other words, over the course of their lives, almost 100% of men will experience situational impotence (defined as not getting hard enough or staying hard enough for intercourse). What gives gay men situational impotence? These are their typical fears when it comes to topping:
- I won’t get hard enough
My dick isn’t big enough
I will disappoint my partner
My partner will compare me to other guys
My partner will judge me and tell the world
I’ll ejaculate too soon
I’ll take forever to ejaculate
These anxieties produce stress hormones like cortisol, adrenaline, epinephrine, and norepinephrine, which produce a heightened state of alert. It’s the opposite of feeling relaxed and calm and in the moment, which is necessary for proper sexual functioning.
These stress hormones constrict blood vessels, inhibiting blood flow, which makes erections more difficult. They also increase muscular and body tension, and actually desensitize the genitalia.
Again, this is how to be a good gay bottom: bringing out the best in your top.
What You Can Do
It’s important to realize you’re not responsible for his hard-on anymore than he is for yours. But that doesn’t mean you have no role in keeping his Heat Seeking Moisture Missile standing at attention.
As a general rule, the simplest and most effective way of keeping your partner hard is to give him access to what turns him on and dial down what turns him off.
If he likes feet, for example, and you insist on wearing socks in bed, you are not going to help matters. If you notice he gets harder when you kiss him then kiss him a lot. If you notice a certain position makes him go soft, avoid the position.
Let’s take the most common worries penetrators struggle with and see what you can do to help.
“I won’t get hard enough”
This worry most often springs from past experiences (especially recent ones) when he struggled with situational impotence. It can come from not being all that attracted to you (ouch!) or from being too attracted to you.
Anybody who’s dated out of their league or been in love knows how that can happen—you want someone so bad you’re overwhelmed with the possibility of losing him if you disappoint. This creates unbearable stress. Having sex is no longer an expression of desire but a test to see if you’re worthy.
What you can do
Don’t fan the flames of his worries by commenting on the quality of his erection. Saying something disparaging like, “Oh, you’re only half-hard” or “Well, I can’t do much with that” will not serve your cause.
“My dick isn’t big enough”
Almost every guy, top or not, worries about the size of his dick. Even guys with average-sized dicks often think they’re small. They also tend to have a porn-inspired belief that you have to be well-endowed in order to top.
What you can do
Don’t recount experiences with hung men. Refrain, for example, from pointing to a picture of an ex-boyfriend and saying, “Now HE had a cock!”
First, you’ll give him evidence that he’ll disappoint you with the size of his dick. Worse, by describing your ex’s genitalia you’ve fueled other anxieties—that you’ll compare him to other guys, judge him, and tell the world. If you make any comments at all stick to the tried and true, “I love your dick—it’s the perfect size.”
Fundamental acting skills are crucial to hot sex.
Stay Away From Too Much Alcohol
Winston Churchill proudly said he had taken more out of alcohol than it had taken out of him. He clearly wasn’t in the bedroom when he said it. Alcohol dulls nerves that transmit sensations. It ups the desire but lowers the performance. If your partner drinks too much you’ll get nothing but “beer sex.” Meaning, the hardest thing he’ll have to offer you is the bottle he’s drinking out of.
What you can do
Alcohol is not an aphrodisiac, but you’d be a fool not to recognize its power to melt away reservations, inhibitions, and worries– the three pillars of awful sex. So yes, in the beginning, alcohol can be quite helpful. Just be sure there’s an end and a quick one at that. The best way to stop your partner from drinking too much is to offer him something better than alcohol—your body.
Pay Attention To His Erection
No one is always hard or always soft. In fact, erections wax and wane throughout a sexual encounter, so don’t freak out if this happens. You should, however, be worried about the quality of his erection right before penetration because if he isn’t hard enough things are not going to end well.
What you can do
Let’s say his erection is only two-thirds of the way there, but the momentum finds both of you on the cusp of penetration. Don’t let it happen. Don’t lay back and think of England. His penis must get harder for successful penetration and it’s not going to get harder unless you do something about it.
Stay where you are and use your hands to stiffen him up. That will often do the trick. If it doesn’t, delay penetration with more oral or manual. Yes, that’s a hassle and a momentum-killer but it pales in comparison to the awkwardness of trying for penetration with an unworthy erection.
If you want to avoid these kinds of mood-killers you’d be wise to follow this simple rule: Play with his penis until the moment he penetrates you. If he’s completely hard, keep playing with it. If he’s almost there, keep playing with it. You cannot go wrong stimulating a penis before it enters you.
And don’t forget the balls. Never forget the balls!
That’s how to be a good bottom in a gay relationship!
Keep Logistical Problems To A Minimum
Distractions are kryptonite to erections. Imagine trying to stay hard through this scenario:
YOU: “Wait, let me scoot up on the bed. Hold on, let me fluff the pillows. Crap, I forgot the towel” (you lean over and pull the drawer out. Rats, it isn’t there!). You get up, find one, lay it down. Ralph Rottweiler (or Peter Poodle) gets on top of you and you’re like, “DAMN, where’s the lube?! (Lean in, open the drawer, take it out). Wait, there’s not enough in there! (Fumble in the drawer looking for a new bottle. Find it.). “Wait, let me just open the plastic wrap.” You can’t because your nails aren’t long enough. You find a pen to stab it with, finally open it. You put lube on his dick and in your ass. You’re ready when you suddenly realize…
“I have to pee.”
No one can stay rock hard through that kind of supply chain management. You can’t bring Marie Kondo in to spark joy in your sex drawer but you can be prepared. Don’t drive a stake of distraction through the heart of his erection.