Texting When One Of You Is Ambivalent

Congratulations!  If you made it through our texting series and you’re locked, cocked and ready to rock.  You’ve gotten enough ammo to shoot your bad texting habits out of the sky and enough info to make guys drool over you. 

Rather than repeating important points I’ve made throughout the book I’d like to emphasize a couple of critical themes that will help you become an expert texter.

Asymmetrical Desire

First, is the concept of asymmetrical desire.  You will rarely meet a guy who’s on the same page as you are.  You either like him more than he likes you or he likes you more than you like him.  Your job is to sense the asymmetry and text accordingly.  For example, if you sense he’s not that into you, then back off before you get noped out. 

The goal of a good texter isn’t to manipulate the guy into doing your bidding (or bedding).  It’s to “symmetrize” the desire so that something real can happen, whether it’s a hookup, a date or a relationship.  That means understanding where his feelings are in relation to yours.  Sometimes you have to play it cool and sometimes you need to heat things up. 

Not so you can play games but to bring the level of desire to parity.  The easiest way to assess the asymmetry is to ask yourself two questions:

• On a scale of 1 to 10, how badly do I want this guy?
• On a scale of 1 to 10, how badly does he want me?

It is the answer to these questions that should determine the content and timing of your texts.  If there’s a lot of space between your numbers (You’re a 10 for him but he’s a 5 for you) you have a lot of asymmetry going on. 

The more asymmetry the more indirect you have to be.  The more the symmetry the more direct you can be.  You should be asking yourself these two questions throughout the early part of your relationship as one or both answers are likely to change as you get to know each other.

On Being Authentic

The next concept that will help you be the expert texter you’re destined to be is simple:  Don’t be you.  Be the best you.  McCann Erickson, the giant ad firm, once described advertising as “The Truth Well Told.”  Adopt this philosophy.  Be “You Well Told.” 

That means letting your personality shine through.  Here’s a great way to tell if your texts are reflecting your personality:  Read them and ask yourself:

“Could anybody else have sent this text?”

The answer is usually yes if you’re sending generic texts like “How’s your day?”  Anybody can send drivel like that.   Dig deeper.  You’re better than that.  Prove it to him.

Hot Guy Phobia

Third, understand that almost every gay guy suffers from Hot Guy Phobia.  Beautiful men tend to make us incapable of thought, so we back up, get less creative and play it safe.  Ever notice that the more you like a guy the harder it is to come up with something clever or intelligent to say? 

Know that this is a factor and make up for it by dipping back into this texting series and using the texting ideas to start conversations or reanimate them when they’ve gone stale.  They’re just training wheels he’ll never see.  All you need is a few good starter texts and you’re off to the races.  

Check It Twice

Fourth and finally, check your work.  Regularly scroll up and get a bird’s eye view of your texts.  If you did that more often you’d see where you might be going wrong. 

Are your texts consistently two or three word “grunts?”  That means you’re not showing enough interest or personality.  That’s fine if you’re not that into him, but if you are, then you’re accidentally sending him “go away signals.  So broaden your texts.

Are your texts more like scholarly articles?  Shorten them.  Check the timing against his.  Are you immediately texting him back when it takes him hours to respond?  That means you’re so far up his ass he thinks you’re a hemorrhoid.  Back up.  The point of self-assessment is to self-correct.  Be aware of what you’re doing or it’ll be your undoing.

So, I’d like to leave you with a memorable story.  

A woman walks into Van Cleef & Arpels and falls in love with a diamond necklace.  It’s expensive.  $400,000.   She tells the jeweler, “I know how I can buy this at your full price but I need you to play along.  Tomorrow, I’m going to come in with my husband.  I want you to tell him it’s only $200,000.”  

So, she comes in with her husband and announces that she’s looking for a diamond necklace.  The jeweler brings out the one she had picked.  She pretends to fall in love with it for the first time and the husband hands over a check for $200,000.  A few hours later she returns the necklace.   She comes back the next day.   This time with her lover.  Same routine: She oohs and aahs over the necklace and the jeweler sells it to her lover for $200,000.  Everybody wins!

My point, and I do have one, is that texting requires you to be as clever and inventive as the woman in the jewelry store (without the lying or the manipulation!).  All it takes is a little perfumed, strategic thinking. 

Thanks for reading our texting series.  May you get the necklace you’ve always wanted.

Resources:

When You’re Only In It For The Sex

 

Never Text Before 10 pm.

Remember I said timing communicates intent?  That timing reflects your desire?  If all you want is sex, then you can’t be texting him throughout the day.  That’s romance texting and you’re signaling the wrong thing. So stick to late texting.  Any text you send after 10 pm ain’t nothing but a booty call.  You know it and he knows it, so use it to your advantage. If he texts you during the day (oh, oh, he wants to date you!), answer after 10 pm to reinforce the idea that you want him to service you not date you.  

How To Seduce A Guy Over Text.

Ease into a sexual text thread like you would ease into sex itself.  Even the dirtiest, headboard-breaking romp in the sack starts with a sly look or comment.  So avoid a text like this:

You: Hey. Wanna get in this?

Or

You:  I want you to bang me so hard my ass’ll end up looking like a roast beef sandwich.  

I think we can all agree that this is not seductive.  It’s the equivalent of a drunk guy coming up to you in the bar and saying, “Wanna fuck?”   Your texts have to do double duty:  They have to be sexual but they also have to show you’re a cool guy who isn’t on a first name basis with the director of the STD clinic.  The best way of doing that is to learn the art of …

The Double Entendre.

“A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre and he gives it to her.”

 Double entendres are texts with a sexual subtext.  They have a surface meaning that is completely innocent and a just-below-the-surface code that heats up the real intent of the message.  It’s something that sounds dirty but isn’t.  Or maybe it is.  That’s the point. 

Double entendres give you the ability to slip in under the radar and go for the verbal grope.  In French, double means, duh, “double.”  Entendres means “to hear” but also “to understand.”  As in, I hear you.  Wink, wink.  

The first rule to double entendres is NO PICKUP LINES.

You:  If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

If he wanted cheese he’d open up the fridge and reach for the cheddar.  Unless you’re intentionally trying to be funny, this is a no-no.  A better way is to make something he said sound dirty, then take advantage of the moment.

Say you’re talking about hobbies and scuba diving comes up.

You: I’ve never been before but heard the descent can be scary.  You like going down?

Him: Are we still talking about scuba diving?  LOL.

You: Either way, “yes.”  😉

 




Start running double entendres up your text pole and watch him salute.  Here are some other examples of how to do it:

• The next time he asks you a question:

That was easy.  Give me something harder. 

• Say something about the cold weather:

“Are you hungry?  There’s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.

As you can see, you can go from perfectly innocent to perfectly blunt.  It’s easy to do.  Just look for an opening (see? A double entendre!) and go for it.  Now, to be sure, you won’t need to use subtle wordplay for very long because the guy is going to follow suit and it will soon escalate into full-blown dirty talk. 

And when that happens you’re going to be faced with a dilemma because when a guy starts talking dirty a request for naked pictures ain’t far behind.

What To Do If He Asks You To Send Nude Pics.

If you don’t mind him showing all his friends, send them.  If you don’t mind him sharing it on Facebook or Twitter, send them.  If you don’t mind him posting it to Tumblr, Pinterest or Instagram, send them.  If you don’t mind going for a job interview and having a potential employer seeing them, send them.

This may or may not happen, of course, but you’d be a fool not to consider the ramifications of sending naked pictures.  Yes, it’s thrilling.  Yes, it’s hot.  But is it worth it?  The delight of sending and receiving naked pictures sits side by side with the harsh consequences of them being shared with the world.  Those two facts sit side by side and like Frida Kahlo’s eyebrows, they cannot be separated. 

There is no right or wrong answer.  There’s only what level of risk you’re willing to take. If you’re a full-blown exhibitionist and you don’t give a flying fig about what anybody thinks, then go for it.  If you do care, think twice.  And then twice again, because once it goes out there’s no way to stop it from going viral if you send it to the wrong guy.

How should you respond to a guy who asks for nude pictures?

Don’t be mad or insulted.  It’s actually a compliment!  He thinks you’re hot and he wants to see more.  So don’t make him feel bad for asking.  Instead, offer him something better than pictures.

You:  Why would you want pics of something you can see in real life? :>)

If he keeps nagging you about it?  Squash it for good.

You:  Dude, you have a better chance of getting a nude pic out of Hilary Clinton.  It ain’t never going to happen. 

And if he nags one more time?

You:  Are you this whiny in bed?  

If he keeps asking you after that, you need to rethink your attraction to him.  Or rather his attraction to you.  Because any guy who would rather get your pics than get with you is a guy you don’t need to bother with.

Time To Seal The Deal.

By this point you should have moved from double entendres and insinuations into Five Pepper Tabasco Talk.  If he hasn’t already asked to get together (doubtful), then you should.  You can do it subtly:  

 

You: what are you doing right now?

You: you’re driving me crazy.  What u up 2?

You:  If you don’t cop a feel soon I’m going to cop an attitude.

Or throw all caution to the wind:

You: I want to suck your dick like there’s an antidote in it.

You can even go comical:

You:  Drill me with that axis of evil between your legs!

Build the tension slowly by using double entendres instead of explicit messages that would get you banned by the motion picture industry.  Raising the temperature slowly is more fun than flicking the dial to BROIL right away.  

Which Is Safer:  Your Place Or His?

In the debate over love’s famous question (“Your Place or Mine?”), there is overwhelming statistical evidence that one of those places is more dangerous.  And it’s your place not his.   

Again, I don’t want to spray buzz kill over romance but in the interests of keeping you safe, statistics show that if something is likely to go wrong it will take place in the victim’s home.  Why? 

If he comes to your place he can do his perpish crap and just leave, while at his place he is in the troublesome predicament of having to deal with evidence of wrongdoing and creating a permanent link with his identity due to evidence on his own property.  But enough buzz kill, let’s get to the good stuff…

Getting To Yes, Yes, YES, OH GOD, YES!

Let’s review.  If you want a little less of this (yak, yak , yak) and a little more of this (yank, yank yank), then you need to be clear about your intentions without coming off like a drunk, leering man-killer.  Here are the steps:

• Be indirect. Think of it as foreplay.  You wouldn’t start sex by jamming it in like a glute inject, you’d start with soft kisses, a little hand holding and then a little hand wandering.  Same with texts.  

 

• Use double entendres. By sending a text that can be taken either way you’re laying the groundwork for a heated-up exchange and a trip to Hanky Panky Town.  

 

• Think twice about sending nude pics. The risk that it’ll end up online is very high.  If you’re okay with that have at it.  If you’re not, then stick to sending pictures that are like a good speech:  Short enough to maintain interest but long enough to cover the essentials. 

Resources:

How To Turn A Text Into A Date (or at least a call)

Texting may be fun but there’s a fake reality to it, much like talking to a guy on a dating site.  Is that a gorgeous guy you’re talking to or a pimply 14-year-old boy who’s ridiculing you?  You’d be surprised.  

Whether you’re talking on a dating site with a guy you’ve never met or texting a guy you hardly know, your number one goal is to meet him.  Quickly.  Here’s why: It’s about confirming your attraction to him. 

Start with a phone call (or a video call). Do you really want to spend weeks and weeks texting a guy that turns out to be a dud instead of a dude?  Rip the Band-Aid off quickly.  Find out whether you’re truly attracted to him before you sink into texting quicksand. 

Another reason to get off text onto a call is that talking ramps up the sexual energy.  Men love the sound of another man’s voice.  It’s why we spend $3.99 a minute on phone sex lines!  Seriously, talking on the phone is your chance to hook and reel him in. 

It is especially important to get him on the phone if he’s ambivalent about you.  It’s so easy to ignore somebody’s writing, but their voice?  That’s a different story, especially if you’re lucky enough to have the kind of speaking voice that turns men on.  

If you know him well enough, a “comfort call” isn’t necessary.  This could be because you talked at length before he got your phone number, had an unusually strong connection, or because you’ve known each other in some capacity—as acquaintances, teammates, etc.  

How Should You Answer If He Asks You Out Over A Text?

Be direct:  “I’d love to but I don’t accept dates over text.”  By doing it this way you’re setting firm boundaries about how you want to be treated.  Differentiate yourself from other guys.  Set your expectations higher and you will attract a higher class of guy. 

If your guy doesn’t call immediately after your response you can be sure of one thing:  He’s not that into you.  That may hurt to hear but you know what’s even more hurtful to me?  That you don’t think you’re worth a phone call.  You are.  

How To Get Him To Call You If He Doesn’t Do It On His Own.

It’s all fine and good to have a policy of not accepting first dates over text but what if he doesn’t turn his texts into a call?  Does that mean he’s not interested?  Possibly, but at this stage the most likely scenario is that he’s too scared to do it or doesn’t know how.  If you want to know what advice I give to guys who want to work up the nerve to call, it’s this:

When should you make the call? 

Right after a fun text thread.  Never call him out of the blue.  Always feel out his tone and vibe before dialing.

You, texting: Hey you, how was your weekend?

Him: (4 days later): Good.

If you think this is the perfect time to call him, please go back to my earlier posts and start this texting series again.  Everyone else, read on.  Don’t call if the vibe ain’t right.  Make sure the text thread before the call makes him laugh or entertains him in some way. Another example:

You: “So anyway, that’s the sad, tragic story of how my grandmother’s open-casket funeral went.”

Him: “Oh…umm…”

You: [dialing her number]

No, no, no!  If he sees you calling after a boring (or just plain depressing) text thread, he’ll let it roll to voicemail.  You want that last text before calling to be a foreshadowing of the call—fun, safe and stress-free.

You can also try subtle lead-ins up to the ask-out call.  A great one is the “new restaurant up the block” technique.

You: Hey, have you been to the new sushi place at 3rd and Piedmont?  Heard it’s good.

Him: I’ve heard that too!  No, haven’t been yet, unfortunately.

 

That kind of response equals prime ask-out time, so start dialing!  Besides, he’s not stupid.  He probably knows where that kind of question is leading, and his affirmative response means, “Ask me out now, jackass!”

However, say you get this response:

You: Hey, have you been to the new sushi place at 3rd and Piedmont?  Heard it’s good.

Him: No.  I heard it’s horrible.  And my uncle was killed by sushi.

Safe to say you’re not going to be breaking bread just yet, my friend.  Just remember to take charge without being overbearing.  If something about the timing seems off, abort.  If you see an opening though, be the decider and go for it.

So how does this advice apply to you? 

Notice that my advice boils down to this:  Look for an opening in the text thread that makes it easy to transition to a call.  Your job is to provide him that opening so that he steps into it.  The best way to do that is to drop hints (“Oh, I’ve always wanted to try that restaurant!”) and ask questions (“What’s your idea of the perfect date?”).

Asking a guy out for the first time will blow the coil right off a guy’s shy meter.  Because they see it as a do-or-die, sink-or-swim proposition, guys can get so much performance anxiety they need to pop a Viagra to get the phone to rise to their ear.  The possibility that you might say NO is so devastating that there’s a serious chance he might give in to his fear and not ask you out. 

Guys are looking for an opening in the conversation and unless you give it to them you’re going to risk a flameout.  And if you ask me, wood-burning spectacles belong in the bedroom, not the smartphone.

Resources:

Texting Strategies That’ll Assure A Date or a Hookup

 

Once you establish that there’s romance in the air (or at least on Wi-Fi), it’s time to get to know him a little bit more. Asking fun questions that reveal his personality (and yours) guarantees a more interesting conversation.  The challenge is in framing the questions so they’re not lame.  Here are a few that can get the ball rolling:

• If you had to be trapped in a TV show for a month, which show would you choose?
• Imagine you’re a spider with a web. One insect escapes and says something to you. What does it say?
• Tell me five things about you, four of them true.
• If you could choose, which superpower would you have?
• If you could change the color of the sky during the day what would it be?
• If you could change the color of the sky at night, what would you choose?
• If you could have any pet (without regard to safety) which would you have?
• If you were a vampire who would you bite to survive?

Learn The Art Of Giving A Good Compliment.

Can I tell you a secret?  Guys love compliments, especially from guys they’re interested in.  Sure, we act like we don’t care but deep down it’s incredibly meaningful to know that the person you’re interested in notices things about you and comments on them. So be generous with your compliments.  It’s good karma.  A few suggestions:

Be specific.

“That shirt looks really good on you” makes a bigger impact compared to “you look really good today”. The more specific the better because it makes him feel like you notice him.

Back up your compliment.

Don’t just stop at “that shirt looks really good on you.” Your compliment becomes stronger when you say why you think so:  “That shirt looks really good on you because it matches your eyes.”

Ask a question with your compliment.

For example:  “That shirt looks really good on you because it matches your eyes. Where did you find it?”

Preface it with a question.

Set up the compliment with the following questions: “You know what I noticed about you?” “You know what I like about you?” “You know what I admire most about you?” “You know what I think is great about you?” This is the ultimate hook. 

Just don’t ruin by following it up with something like, “That you can buy me an expensive lobster dinner without flinching.”

Beware Autocorrect.

The autocorrect feature on your phone doubles as a kitchen knife that can plunge into the heart of a budding romance.  It is your worst enema.  Always double-check your texts before sending, especially if you’ve been drinking.  A perfectly innocent remark can turn into an epic autocorrect fail.  

Be conscious of autocorrect or turn the damn thing off.  And speaking of things that can trip you up, let’s talk about alcohol.

Don’t Drunk Text.

Drinking creates the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.  It can make you think that the sweet guy who’s hardly texting you back is dying to go down on you in the car and watch you come for a mile and a half.  Beware. 

There’s a difference between texting while drinking and drunk texting.  The first gives you the kind of confidence-building buzz that can result in doing something bold and worthy.  The second gives you the kind of blindness that results in sending pictures of your junk to Mom.

Drunk texting is like trying to fart when you have diarrhea, you never know if what’s going to come out is shit or air.  If you’ve got a drink in your hand keep your phone in your pocket.  

A Summary Of Increasing Sexual Tension

In the last two installments of this series we’ve learned that if you want to move from Bada Bing to Bada BANG you have to increase the romantic and sexual tension to the point that he’ll want to hang out.  You do it by:

• Sexing up the comfort. Once comfort is established, introduce your romantic interest in subtle ways.  Pretend he can’t control his sexual impulses (trust me, you won’t have to do much pretending).  Done right it’s funny and lets him know that you ain’t texting him because you need a fourth for a card game. 

 

• Watching out for context. A conservative friend of mine went out of town on business.  Thinking he’d impress his crush with his morals he texted, “I hope the porn is disabled.”  His crush wrote back, “It’s probably regular porn, you sicko.  Please lose my number.”  Watch for context. 

 

• Draw boundaries on appearance-related texting.  If he quasi-insults you, shoot him down faster than a duck flying over Wisconsin.  “You’re blood type is Ragu” may be a funny line to text but it’s hurtful and you don’t need anymore hurt in your life.  Prolonged silence will prompt sensitive guys to apologize.  Or telling them that it hurt your feelings.  Decent guys will respect you for setting boundaries.

 

• Balancing the tension. It’s one thing to get a guy to pursue you; it’s another to throw him off the scent.  Balance the push-pull by being firm without being bossy and agreeable without being submissive.  

 

• Being unpredictable without pretending to be ambivalent. He should never doubt that you’re interested (otherwise you’re just friends) but you should express that interest in unpredictable ways.  Vary the lengths of your texts (short/staccato vs. longish ones) and the content in them (humorous at times, insightful and intelligent at others). 

 

• Being conscious of your timing. If you’re ever confused about the timing of your first text or how fast to respond to his, ask yourself this question:  “What is most likely to increase the attraction?”  Sometimes that means texting right away; sometimes it means waiting.

 

• Asking interesting questions. “How are you?” isn’t interesting.  “Tell me five things about you, four of them true” is.  Be interesting.

 

• Learning the art of the compliment. Your job isn’t just to increase his attraction to you; it’s to make him feel good about himself.  Do that and he’ll want your company more than you wanted a Xanax after your last relationship ended.  Preface the compliment with a question (“Know what I like about you?”), be specific (“You looked hot in those black jeans” vs. “You looked good”) and back up the compliment (“That shirt looks good because it matches the color of your eyes.”).

 

• Turn off Autocorrect. Or at the very least, read your texts completely before hitting the send button, otherwise you’re liable to type out “Man, can you rock?” and have it come out, “You call that a cock?”

 

• Don’t Drunk Text. You’re liable to text a tea-totaling Mormon that you just woke up in a Target beanbag bin without knowing how you got there or how to get out.   

 

Okay, so now that you’ve got him comfortable and increased the sexual tension it’s time to keep texting, right?  Wrong!  In the next post we’ll talk about the dangers of texturbating and why you need to take action with something other than your thumbs.

Five Texting Laws You Can’t Violate

#1 Don’t Play It Cool

A girlfriend and I were talking over drinks about some of the latest guys she had dated and she mentioned how she feels like she scared one off by playing “the game” and being too non-committal, almost to the point of ignoring him, so he bolted.  

So for the next guy she dated, she swung the pendulum in the other direction and let him take complete control.  If he flat-out asked for her preference on anything (what restaurant to pick, what movie to see) she would always defer to him (“whatever you want is fine with me.”)  The result?  Same as the previous guy.  He bolted.  Why?  She didn’t hit the right balance.

Ignoring texts, taking forever to return them, answering questions with ‘text grunts’ like “Yes, no, maybe” when he’s trying to start a conversation—these are signs of a girl who isn’t interested, not a girl who’s playing it cool.  Most guys aren’t masochists and they’re not going to keep knocking their heads against the wall for very long.  

Let’s talk about this ‘playing it cool’ business.  Don’t.  It’s such a waste of time and you will inadvertently drive off worthwhile guys who don’t have the stomach for endless chasing.  It’s true that guys like the hunt but not when they can’t do a little catching once in a while. 

Don’t play it cool with a guy you like.  Play it straight, with heavy teasing and flirting leading the effort.  If you like a guy, act like it.  If you don’t like a guy, act like that too.  Your goal isn’t to play a game; it’s to meet the guys you’re interested in and avoid the ones you aren’t.

Of course, you can go too far in the other direction, too—being too eager, always seeking approval—and it can make you seem like a pushover.  Here’s a perfect example of what I mean by approval-seeking behavior:

You:  “I look good, right?”

That’s like asking him, “How was I?” right after you had an orgasm.  Why would you ask a question that reeks of insecurity?  Don’t do it in bed; don’t do it on your phone.  You’ll just sound needy and weak.

Balancing the expression of interest means you don’t feign indifference (game playa!) but neither do you become a texting floor mat where any guy can wipe his feet or his texts.

#2 Spot Jerks Early

The best way to spot a jerk over text is to know the difference between 

Alpha behavior Alpha-dogging behavior.  Alpha means leading.  Alpha dogging means abandoning.  Alpha inspires admiration.  Alpha dogging arouses ire.  Alpha means he switches it up.  Sometimes he texts right back, sometimes he doesn’t, depending on his read of the situation. 

Sometimes he takes charge, other times he lets you lead.  Alpha-dogging means he doesn’t read the situation—he does whatever the hell feels right at the time.  He always leads and if you get out front a little he squashes it as fast as he can.

Alpha:  “Let’s go to the new Thai restaurant, I hear it’s great.”

Alpha dogging:  “I’m going to the new Thai restaurant.  You’re welcome to join me.”

Steer toward alpha guys and avoid the alpha-dogging guys.  The former will take care of you; the latter will mistreat you. 

#3 Deal With Indecisive Guys

When God gave out Alpha pills a lot of guys thought they were Flintstone vitamins and took a pass.  These Beta Bros are so scared they might offend they bend over backwards and become overly solicitous.  These are the guys that always text back right away no matter what. 

These are the guys that write something funny and then send three additional texts clarifying the joke in case you didn’t take it the right way.  These are the guys who think it’s a good idea to follow instead of lead.  

You:  What movie should we see?

Beta response:  Whatever you want.

Whenever I see a guy friend pull a stunt like that I say, “Beta, please.  If you want a guy, act like a man.”  Just so we’re clear, the alpha response to the question is,  “The new Batman movie.  I hear it’s great.”

And what would be the alpha-dogging response?   “I’ll tell you when I’ve come to a decision.”  

Now, the truth is a lot of guys prefer their guys to be on the beta side and that’s fine.  But most don’t.  It can be infuriating to date somebody who doesn’t have an opinion or a preference (actually, they do; they’re just afraid to express it).  What can you do to nudge your guy into being a little more alpha?  You can tease him good-naturedly:

You:  Hey, Indecision.  Are you going to tell me what you think or do you want me to do it for you?

Just make sure to stop teasing him if he gets the hint and starts behaving more assertively.  Be by his side when he comes over to your side.  Two things happen when you tease a guy:  He’ll either get the hint and course-correct (if he has it in him) or you’ll just make him feel bad because beta is his nature and he literally doesn’t know how to be more assertive with guys.  In his mind he’ll  think, “I is what I is and I ain’t changing!”

You can always take the direct route to alpha-betizing your guy:

You:  What movie should we see?

Beta response:  Whatever you want.

You:  Ahem.  I like decisive guys.

If his next response isn’t specific and precise you know you’re dealing with a true Beta Bro who is not going to change no matter how much you tease him or make requests that he be more assertive.  At this point you’ve got to decide whether he’s worth your time.  I am agnostic on this question.

#4 Be Steady But Unpredictable.

Variety adds spice to text threads.  Being funny one moment, thoughtful another and then insightful in another makes you sound well rounded and look more interesting.  There is an art to being consciously unpredictable without pretending to be ambivalent.  Being unpredictable means you express the same interest for him in a variety of ways.  Pretending to be ambivalent means expressing different levels of interest to keep him off balance.  

If you like a guy it’s good to be unpredictable in the ways you show it.  But it’s never cool to pretend ambivalence.  First, it’s a shitty thing to do; game-playing at its worst.  Second, Karma’s a bitch and she’s constantly having puppies.  Whatever you do will be visited upon you.  

Now, it’s okay to be truly ambivalent about a guy.  It’s not okay to pretend to be ambivalent. So, what are the best ways of being unpredictable? The length and timing of your texts.

#5 Vary The Lengths Of Your Texts.

Short, clipped texts are as bad as book-length texts.  If you notice yourself sending one and two-word texts, throw one in that’s a couple of sentences long.  In fact, be very careful about short texts because they communicate disinterest.  Even if you get a question that can be answered with a simple yes or no, don’t do it.  It sets the stage for a stilted, interview-like thread—a total romance-killer.  Let’s say he asks if you like a certain band.  Which answer do you think moves the conversation forward?

“Yes.”

Or…

“Yes, but I sing their songs better than they do.”

A simple “Yes” stops the conversation cold.  A “Yes” with an off-the-cuff remark (“Really?  You sing?”) provides an opening for further dialog.  The best way to tell if you’re varying the lengths of your text is to scroll up and read the thread.  Are you constantly sending short, curt texts?  Elongate them.  Are your text balloons filled with so much copy it looks like a rock concert let out?  Shorten them.  Be unpredictable.

 

Resources:

How To Sexualize Your Texts Without Using Porn Dialogue

Anybody can send a pic of their hole and say, “You want some of this?” But if the guy on the other end of your texts is somebody you want to date, heating up your typing requires more subtlety.

Your texts should hint at sex without being overtly sexual.  Your job is to make him feel hotter than lava without exploding like a volcano.  The best way to do that is to find an excuse to send him pictures.  Start off with a picture of you and your friends out on the town (“This is us at the concert!”).  And then to pictures of just you, preferably shirtless with a pet (“Me and my kitty!”).  This is actually a test you’re administering.  His reaction will tell you who you’re dealing with and what he wants from you.

Good:

“Wow.  Amazing.”

Bad:

“Nice tits!”

The first response is classy.  The second is classy spelled with a K.  I leave it up to you if you want to continue with a guy who can’t tell the difference between flirting and leering.

Sex Up The Comfort

Sexing up the comfort is more than staying out of the friend zone.  It’s a deliberate attempt to let him know you’re romantically interested.  Be clever. This text usually works wonders because it’s romantic and sexual all at the same time:

Oh, nothing.  I just wanted you to feel my vibration.

You can also steer the conversation into a romantic context by being bold without crossing the line:

My friend wants to know if you think I’m hot.

Try to work in a romantic angle into a text thread if it’s appropriate.  One particularly effective approach is to pretend he can’t control himself around you.  Let’s say you bring up shopping in a text thread.  

You: I would go shopping with you, but I don’t want you to be tempted to make out with me in the dressing room.

Here’s a particularly effective text that will make him laugh and keep the thread on the right romantic track:

You:  (send a blank text)

Likely Reply:  Why did you send me a blank text?

You:  Babe, you don’t have to come up with excuses to talk to me.

You can also pick up the pace by cleverly complimenting him:

You:  I think I should tell you what people are saying behind your back.

Likely reply:  ???

You:  “Nice butt!”

If you get positive responses, then you know you’re headed for a hang out.  One note of caution, though… 

Men Often Go Over The Line When They Tease.

Men may speak English but Teasing is our mother tongue.  It’s what makes us funny and fun to be around but it also gets us in a lot of trouble, especially with sensitive guys.  And therein lies the challenge.  Men love men who can make them laugh but not the ones who make them feel bad.  And our sense of humor is designed to make someone feel bad. 

So if you get a couple of text teases that seem out of line, call him out.  He may not actually understand that he crossed a line.  If he’s a decent guy he’ll apologize and move on.  If he continues with inappropriate teasing you need to bag him like unwanted groceries.  If he does it in texts he’ll do it in person.

When I say tease, I don’t just mean what he might say in initiating a conversation but in his response to a perfectly innocent remark.  Here’s a great example:

You: “I’m surprised you walked up to me at the bar, I was feeling so fat in those jeans!  LOL”

Him:  “That’s okay, I like big-boned guys ;)”

Really?!  Why doesn’t he just say you make the earth wobble on its axis? The proper response to a text like that is to make it clear you’re not happy with it. Don’t respond for hours, or even a day.  If he’s a thinking man he’ll look at the relationship between his last text and your silence and apologize.  If he doesn’t, then text him a curt version of this:  “Actually, that hurt my feelings.”

If you don’t call him out you’re basically saying that it’s okay to insult you.  I want to tell you something.  As the author of Not Tonight Dear, I Feel Fat How To Stop Worrying About Your Body & Have Great Sex, I know that appearance anxiety is a painful, ubiquitous experience and you don’t need guys you hardly know contributing to it.

Still, some comments from guys aren’t necessarily insults and you may be interpreting them in ways that weren’t intended.  Here’s an excerpt from Not Tonight Dear that may help clarify how to separate insult from innocence in a questionable comment:

You Are Constantly Being Put Down By Everything Around You.

From the moment you get up to the minute you lay down, subtle put-downs slap you.  Oh, look, there’s an ad that says you’re too fat.  Oh, there’s a commercial that says you’re out of shape.  And there’s one that says you’re looking a little old.  Everywhere you go, everywhere you look, everything you read, everything you see on TV is a subtle put-down.  

If you only had this product or used that service you’d be good enough, hot enough, worthwhile enough.  And because you don’t, you’re not.  Your self-esteem is constantly under attack.  Your physical appearance is constantly being questioned.  Your self-worth is always being pegged to your attractiveness.  Once you realize just how many subtle slights and chronic cheap shots you endure during the course of the day, it’s easy to see why a careless comment, let alone an abusive insult, from someone you like can feel so devastating.  

It’s precisely because you’re in such an emotionally vulnerable place about your looks that you have to consider the first rule of handling an off-putting remark.  And that’s to ask yourself…

Is it really an insult?

When you are unusually self-conscious, every comment about your appearance can feel like a personal attack.  Even when somebody pays you a sincere compliment, you’re likely to seize on some aspect of it and make it fit whatever you already feel about yourself.  If somebody says, “You look good today,” you will seize on the word today.  Because today clearly that means you looked like the hindquarters of bad luck yesterday.

When you have a story running through your head you tend to make everything fit the story.  This is especially true for comments that are open to interpretation.  There is often a great expanse of territory between what was said and what you heard.  Faced with a questionable comment, you should always pause and ask yourself, “Given, that I’m sensitive about my appearance, is this comment something that a body confident woman would consider an insult?”  Because if the answer is no then you should let it roll off you like water-repellent fabric.

Troubleshooting Your Texting Problems

What if he responds but with short, clipped answers?

Dude, you’re dead.  I say this with love– if he’s giving you yes or no answers to essay questions you’re a fighter jet about to get a big helping of missile.  Stop texting him for a week or two then send him one of the “unclogger” texts.  Time is your only hope for getting a do-over.  If he doesn’t hear from you for a while he’s going to wonder where you went and possibly make him more amenable to restarting a thread.

He responds well but isn’t flirty.  Does that mean he’s not interested?

At this point, you should start sending flirtier texts (see next chapter for details).  Is he flirting back?  Almost every girl has had the experience of texting a guy who responds, maybe even right away, but doesn’t flirt back.  Or maybe he texts interesting stuff but never with any flirting energy.  There is always the possibility that he’s shy or doesn’t know how to flirt or lacks the social skills to do it.  There is also a small percentage of men who hate texting. And there’s also a tiny percentage of men who think they’re text flirting but aren’t. They think merely answering a question is proof that they’re romantically interested.

That said, the news isn’t good.  You ain’t dead but you’re headed to the morgue.  At this stage the only thing that will save you is a phone call or meeting up for a coffee or something non-datish like going to a sports game.  You might be pleasantly surprised to find out that he’s actually into you but doesn’t like to text.  And if he’s purposefully not text flirting because he’s not romantically attracted, then hearing your voice or being with you might change his mind.

Of course, that means YOU have to call or ask him out and that’s a deal breaker for most women because it puts them in the uncomfortable position of chasing a guy.  Still, your operating principle should be “chase him until he catches you” and there are certain ways you can ask him out without looking like a girl who knows eight languages and can’t hear NO in any of them.

The best way to do it is to text him some version of the following:

“Hey, a friend just gave me two tickets to the game.  Wanna go and see who can cheer the loudest?”

By stating that you were “given” two tickets you keep things casual and avoid the appearance of asking him out. If you don’t feel comfortable doing this you can always go silent for a few weeks, send him an “unclogger” text and see if he picks up the scent.

Conclusion:  Going From Worst To First.

Let’s say he got your number but you could tell he just wasn’t that into you.  So you did the right thing.  You:

Waited two days before you texted back.
Sent a quirky/fun/observational text, not an open-ended one like “what’s up?”
You reinforced the memory of your interaction—with wit.
Kept it short but stimulating.
Used proper grammar.

Then as things progressed you:

Didn’t overuse emoticons.
Stayed out of the friend zone by slyly complimenting his looks.
Were decisive when he asked a question.
Audited for possible misinterpretations.

Congratulations!  I see a ring in your future.  Or at the very least, another notch on your lipstick case.  Once he’s fully present and engaged it’s time to ramp up the romantic and sexual tension.  In the next post I’m going to show you how to go from “Badda Bing” to “Badda BANG.”