Would You Stop Dating A Guy Because He Won’t Do Anal?

 

QUESTION

I’ve recently met a great guy. We are both in our early 40’s but have been around the block, so to speak. There is a strong mutual attraction. We have many of the same interests and sense of humor. He’s kind and considerate. He’s great to look at, and sexy, too! 

Our time together has been flirty and fun as we get to know each other. We’ve been on a few dates but haven’t had sex yet. (Although, we have “made out” a couple of times.) I see long-term potential here and would like to pursue a relationship with him.

The other night, the topic of sex came up in discussion (no pun intended) and he stated that he doesn’t find anything about anal sex appealing – at all. 

He doesn’t want to stick his d**k up anyone’s butt, nor does he want one stuck up his, either. I asked him if he’s ever done it and he said “no”, but doesn’t want to. Now, I’ve had my share of anal sex, both as a pitcher and a catcher. While I find it very enjoyable, I can actually understand someone’s reluctance to participate.  

There is preparation involved, it can be uncomfortable/painful at times, and it can be messy. And, don’t get me started on this “a** to mouth” stupidity if you are not using condoms. (Really? You want to put that in my mouth after it’s been up my butt? Really??? That grosses me out. The health implications alone are staggering.) 

Let me say, his lack of desire in this department is NOT a deal breaker for me. Lord knows, there are plenty of other sexual activities! But, I was wondering how common his attitude towards anal sex is in the gay community. There seems to be this impression in the gay and straight communities that all gay guys want to do is buttf**k.

Your opinion? 

Callen-Lorde, an LGBTQ community health center in NYC, surveyed 1,000 gay men in 2017 and found that just 19% of them engage in anal sex.

Other studies have shown similar numbers. For example, there was a study that asked gay men what sex act they performed in their last encounter and 37% said anal sex.

 Clearly gay men do not have nearly the amount of anal sex as both the hetero and homo cultures would have it.   Get a load of this quote from David Guggenheim, the Chief Mental Health Officer at Callen-Lorde:

“Anal sex is low on the list of sexual practices that gay men engage in.” 

If that doesn’t say it all I don’t know what does. Now there are lots of reasons why gay men don’t have as much anal sex as everybody thinks they do, and you mentioned several of them. 

First and foremost, is that the receiver calls the shots on whether anal sex is going to happen or not. And those shots are based on a couple of things. First, are they prepared?

 In other words, are they clean enough down there to be penetrated? Very few gay men who like to receive have anal sex spontaneously. It has to be planned because getting yourself clean is a time-consuming–and many will assert–ghastly, process that can involve douching, enemas and the risk of anal leakage.

But even if you’re prepared in terms of cleanliness other activities during the night might derail plans. For example, if you end up eating something that causes intestinal distress there is very little likelihood that even a planned session of anal sex will occur.

This is why, to most gay men, the tent sex scene in Brokeback Mountain was unbelievably unbelievable. They had a greasy meal then screwed using spit as lube? If that ain’t a fantasy I don’t know what is.

Why is it that even gay people think gay people have more anal sex than we actually do? Part of it is that heterosexuals have defined the meaning of sex as penetration therefore we’ve absorbed it as part of our languaging. It may be true that gay men have a lot of sex but it doesn’t necessarily translate into anal sex.

Getting back to your question about how common this belief is among gay men– that anal sex is being had everywhere by everyone– I think is fairly accurate. The perception of anal sex frequency, that is. Not the actuality.

 It is one of the curiosities of gay culture that we spend so much time talking up a sex act that we don’t actually do all that often. I’m glad to see that your friend’s reticence about anal sex doesn’t preclude you from dating him. 

There are so many ways to get sexual satisfaction it seems self-defeating to cross somebody off your list because they don’t like to do something our people do little of.

 And even if that was important to you that’s still not a good reason to break off with somebody because… people change. What you like now may not be what you like later. What you’re  not willing to try today you may be willing to try tomorrow. 

Being in a relationship is so much greater than a sexual preference in at a fixed moment in time.