When You’re Only In It For The Sex
Never Text Before 10 pm.
Remember I said timing communicates intent? That timing reflects your desire? If all you want is sex, then you can’t be texting him throughout the day. That’s romance texting and you’re signaling the wrong thing. So stick to late texting. Any text you send after 10 pm ain’t nothing but a booty call. You know it and he knows it, so use it to your advantage. If he texts you during the day (oh, oh, he wants to date you!), answer after 10 pm to reinforce the idea that you want him to service you not date you.
How To Seduce A Guy Over Text.
Ease into a sexual text thread like you would ease into sex itself. Even the dirtiest, headboard-breaking romp in the sack starts with a sly look or comment. So avoid a text like this:
You: Hey. Wanna get in this?
Or
You: I want you to bang me so hard my ass’ll end up looking like a roast beef sandwich.
I think we can all agree that this is not seductive. It’s the equivalent of a drunk guy coming up to you in the bar and saying, “Wanna fuck?” Your texts have to do double duty: They have to be sexual but they also have to show you’re a cool guy who isn’t on a first name basis with the director of the STD clinic. The best way of doing that is to learn the art of …
The Double Entendre.
“A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre and he gives it to her.”
Double entendres are texts with a sexual subtext. They have a surface meaning that is completely innocent and a just-below-the-surface code that heats up the real intent of the message. It’s something that sounds dirty but isn’t. Or maybe it is. That’s the point.
Double entendres give you the ability to slip in under the radar and go for the verbal grope. In French, double means, duh, “double.” Entendres means “to hear” but also “to understand.” As in, I hear you. Wink, wink.
The first rule to double entendres is NO PICKUP LINES.
You: If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
If he wanted cheese he’d open up the fridge and reach for the cheddar. Unless you’re intentionally trying to be funny, this is a no-no. A better way is to make something he said sound dirty, then take advantage of the moment.
Say you’re talking about hobbies and scuba diving comes up.
You: I’ve never been before but heard the descent can be scary. You like going down?
Him: Are we still talking about scuba diving? LOL.
You: Either way, “yes.” 😉
Start running double entendres up your text pole and watch him salute. Here are some other examples of how to do it:
- The next time he asks you a question:
That was easy. Give me something harder.
- Say something about the cold weather:
“Are you hungry? There’s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.
As you can see, you can go from perfectly innocent to perfectly blunt. It’s easy to do. Just look for an opening (see? A double entendre!) and go for it. Now, to be sure, you won’t need to use subtle wordplay for very long because the guy is going to follow suit and it will soon escalate into full-blown dirty talk.
And when that happens you’re going to be faced with a dilemma because when a guy starts talking dirty a request for naked pictures ain’t far behind.
What To Do If He Asks You To Send Nude Pics.
If you don’t mind him showing all his friends, send them. If you don’t mind him sharing it on Facebook or Twitter, send them. If you don’t mind him posting it to Tumblr, Pinterest or Instagram, send them. If you don’t mind going for a job interview and having a potential employer seeing them, send them.
This may or may not happen, of course, but you’d be a fool not to consider the ramifications of sending naked pictures. Yes, it’s thrilling. Yes, it’s hot. But is it worth it? The delight of sending and receiving naked pictures sits side by side with the harsh consequences of them being shared with the world. Those two facts sit side by side and like Frida Kahlo’s eyebrows, they cannot be separated.
There is no right or wrong answer. There’s only what level of risk you’re willing to take. If you’re a full-blown exhibitionist and you don’t give a flying fig about what anybody thinks, then go for it. If you do care, think twice. And then twice again, because once it goes out there’s no way to stop it from going viral if you send it to the wrong guy.
How should you respond to a guy who asks for nude pictures?
Don’t be mad or insulted. It’s actually a compliment! He thinks you’re hot and he wants to see more. So don’t make him feel bad for asking. Instead, offer him something better than pictures.
You: Why would you want pics of something you can see in real life? :>)
If he keeps nagging you about it? Squash it for good.
You: Dude, you have a better chance of getting a nude pic out of Hilary Clinton. It ain’t never going to happen.
And if he nags one more time?
You: Are you this whiny in bed?
If he keeps asking you after that, you need to rethink your attraction to him. Or rather his attraction to you. Because any guy who would rather get your pics than get with you is a guy you don’t need to bother with.
Time To Seal The Deal.
By this point you should have moved from double entendres and insinuations into Five Pepper Tabasco Talk. If he hasn’t already asked to get together (doubtful), then you should. You can do it subtly:
You: what are you doing right now?
You: you’re driving me crazy. What u up 2?
You: If you don’t cop a feel soon I’m going to cop an attitude.
Or throw all caution to the wind:
You: I want to suck your dick like there’s an antidote in it.
You can even go comical:
You: Drill me with that axis of evil between your legs!
Build the tension slowly by using double entendres instead of explicit messages that would get you banned by the motion picture industry. Raising the temperature slowly is more fun than flicking the dial to BROIL right away.
Which Is Safer: Your Place Or His?
In the debate over love’s famous question (“Your Place or Mine?”), there is overwhelming statistical evidence that one of those places is more dangerous. And it’s your place not his.
Again, I don’t want to spray buzz kill over romance but in the interests of keeping you safe, statistics show that if something is likely to go wrong it will take place in the victim’s home. Why?
If he comes to your place he can do his perpish crap and just leave, while at his place he is in the troublesome predicament of having to deal with evidence of wrongdoing and creating a permanent link with his identity due to evidence on his own property. But enough buzz kill, let’s get to the good stuff…
Getting To Yes, Yes, YES, OH GOD, YES!
Let’s review. If you want a little less of this (yak, yak , yak) and a little more of this (yank, yank yank), then you need to be clear about your intentions without coming off like a drunk, leering man-killer. Here are the steps:
- Be indirect. Think of it as foreplay. You wouldn’t start sex by jamming it in like a glute inject, you’d start with soft kisses, a little hand holding and then a little hand wandering. Same with texts.
- Use double entendres. By sending a text that can be taken either way you’re laying the groundwork for a heated-up exchange and a trip to Hanky Panky Town.
- Think twice about sending nude pics. The risk that it’ll end up online is very high. If you’re okay with that have at it. If you’re not, then stick to sending pictures that are like a good speech: Short enough to maintain interest but long enough to cover the essentials.