Discovering Your Inner Top

Topping somebody isn’t just about inserting your penis into his anus. If it were strictly a physical sensation you could accomplish the same thing with a dildo. No, topping is a constellation of masculine expressions that orbit around one word: Domination.

It’s a loaded word. Notice your reaction to it. Domination carries the connotation that only “real men”—macho men, tall men, big men, hung men– have the right to top because it’s such a clearly dominant sex act.

Not only that, but the word also conjures up images of whips, chains, slings, dimly lit basements and the darker side of the psyche.

Even the milder forms of what most of us understand as masculine/dominant sex can be startling: Sex with no emotional connection, no intimacy, no talking. It’s a barren, utilitarian encounter where hammer meets nail to bang one out.

This cultural consensus of what it means to top another guy isn’t just wrong; it’s wrong on stilts. It prevents a lot of guys from topping because they may have to step into a role they’re not comfortable with.

Is Hyper-Masculinity The Only Choice?

If you think the only way you can top is to “act” with the kind of hyper-masculinity that makes you uncomfortable, then it’s easy to see why you’d stay away from it. Your conscious mind will be so fearful of an inability to pull off a testosterone- laden caveman macho prick act that you start thinking things like, “I’m not strong enough, big enough, mean enough—or hung enough– to be a top.”

Your subconscious can make you impotent until you’re at a safe enough distance from the role you mistakenly think you have to play.

YOUR IDEA OF MASCULINITY IS KILLING YOU

If you’re having trouble accessing your inner top, it’s because you have a limiting view of masculinity. You have a list of “shoulds” that keep you from pleasurably experiencing what it’s like to be the ‘active’ participant in a coupling. That list includes but is not limited to thoughts like:

• I’m not tall enough
• I don’t weigh enough
• My voice isn’t deep enough
• My dick isn’t big enough
• I’m not aggressive enough
• I’m not built well enough
• I’m not man enough
• I wear caftans for Chrissakes!

If you recognize yourself in these statements you’ve bought into a big lie. You’ve limited yourself to playing in a tiny puddle when a vast unexplored ocean beckons. The idea that only hung macho pricks should top is about as valid as saying that only effeminate men should bottom. Buying into either assumption locks you into a psychic prison that keeps you from experiencing new levels of sexual joy and satisfaction.