How To Discover Your Inner Top…Or Bottom
Maybe you’ve just come out and can’t decide if you’d rather do the penetrating or be the penetrated (or both).
Or maybe you’ve been out a while, identified yourself as “a bottom” or “a top” (shame on you! Labels belong on a can not a man!). Or maybe you want to gain a better understanding of your sexual preferences.
The best way of doing all of the above is to understand what kind of power you’re attracted to and build on what you already like.
Power is everywhere during sex and like water to a fish you may not even be aware that it’s there, but it is. Take the simple act of kissing. How could there possibly be a power differential in something so innocent? Let’s explore.
Are you the one who initiated the kiss or the one receiving it? Because the one giving it is exerting power.
The one receiving the kiss is submitting to it. Let’s say you’re on top of him when you kiss him.
What do you feel? How does he react? Do you like it? Not so much the kissing part but the part where you’re on top. What aspect do you like? Why? Do you want to go further or dial it back? What would make it more arousing? What do you want him to say? What do you want him to do?
This is your opportunity to shop the sample sale of your innermost desires. Of course, it can be a little challenging to understand what it is exactly about taking the ‘active’ role that appeals to you (whether it’s kissing or intercourse). That’s why you should…
Take Your Erotic Temperature
In order to understand what it is you like about exerting or submitting to power I want you circle the appropriate temperature for each power play suggestion below.
Don’t worry about overlapping or contradictory preferences or trying to “identify yourself” either as mostly submissive or mostly dominant.
You can, for example, prefer to be submissive during a kiss and dominant during intercourse. Submission and domination can be traded and played with like cards. We’re looking for opportunities, not labels.
Dominant Power Preferences
I prefer to give than receive.
Cold Cool Lukewarm Warm HOT
I tend to initiate sex.
Cold Cool Lukewarm Warm HOT
I like being “on top” during romantic activity like kissing.
Cold Cool Lukewarm Warm HOT
I like telling my partner what to do in bed.
Cold Cool Lukewarm Warm HOT
I like exerting control.
Cold Cool Lukewarm Warm HOT
I like feeling like my partner’s protector.
Cold Cool Lukewarm Warm HOT
I like taking the lead and showing a bit of aggression.
Cold Cool Lukewarm Warm HOT
I like being powerful and commanding in bed.
Cold Cool Lukewarm Warm HOT
I like seeing my partner obey my sexual instructions.
Cold Cool Lukewarm Warm HOT
I like sex a bit on the rough side.
Cold Cool Lukewarm Warm HOT
I like coming close to verbally insulting my partner in bed.
Cold Cool Lukewarm Warm HOT
I like the feeling of possessing my partner.
Cold Cool Lukewarm Warm HOT
I like to partially or fully immobilize my partner with my hands and feet.
Cold Cool Lukewarm Warm HOT
I like to pinch, squeeze, hold, or otherwise touch my partner in a forceful way.
Cold Cool Lukewarm Warm HOT
I like doling out “angry” sex.
Cold Cool Lukewarm Warm HOT
I like to come close to hurting my partner during sex.
Cold Cool Lukewarm Warm HOT
I like to “punish” my partner with sex.
Cold Cool Lukewarm Warm HOT
———————————
Now, let’s take your erotic temperature on submissiveness…
Submissive Power Preferences
I prefer to receive rather than give.
Cold Cool Lukewarm Warm HOT
I tend to respond to rather than initiate sex
Cold Cool Lukewarm Warm HOT
I like being in the bottom during romantic activity like kissing or intercourse.
Cold Cool Lukewarm Warm HOT
I like being told what to do in bed.
Cold Cool Lukewarm Warm HOT
I like surrendering control.
Cold Cool Lukewarm Warm HOT
I like feeling protected by my partner.
Cold Cool Lukewarm Warm HOT
I like it when my partner takes the lead and shows a bit of aggression.
Cold Cool Lukewarm Warm HOT
I like it when my partner is powerful and commanding in bed.
Cold Cool Lukewarm Warm HOT
I like obeying my partner’s sexual instructions.
Cold Cool Lukewarm Warm HOT
I like intercourse a little bit on the rough side.
Cold Cool Lukewarm Warm HOT
I like it when my partner comes close to verbally insulting me in bed.
Cold Cool Lukewarm Warm HOT
I like feeling possessed by my partner.
Cold Cool Lukewarm Warm HOT
I like it when my partner partially or fully immobilizes me with his hands and feet.
Cold Cool Lukewarm Warm HOT
I like it when my partner pinches, squeezes, holds, or otherwise touches me in a forceful way.
Cold Cool Lukewarm Warm HOT
I like to be the recipient of “angry” sex.
Cold Cool Lukewarm Warm HOT
I like it when my partner comes close to hurting me during sex.
Cold Cool Lukewarm Warm HOT
I like it when my partner acts as if he’s punishing me with sex.
Cold Cool Lukewarm Warm HOT
Free Your Mind, Your Crotch Will Follow.
The point of taking my erotic temperature quiz isn’t to label yourself a top or a bottom.
It’s to understand what aspect of each power differential you’re attracted to. Most guys are not one way or the other—a dom top or a helpless bottom.
They fall in a spectrum surprisingly influenced by circumstance. Even the Dom-est top is going to think about giving it up for a Chris Hemsworth. And even the most submissive bottom meets guys he could picture himself topping.
The spectrum of power preference is influenced by mood and environment.
You will find yourself, as most guys do, sometimes acting like a teenage girl or a macho prick, depending on the circumstance.
Masculinity, femininity, dominance and submissiveness are rarely mutually exclusive. Be in touch with both as both will serve you well.
Now, take a few days to really sort through the choices you made on this quiz and come to an understanding of what you like.
Sometimes the shyest guys have a secret wish to dominate and sometimes the most dominating personalities yearn to be taught a few lessons.
Crafting A Better Vision
The point of this exercise is to get a clear picture of what turns you on so you can start crafting a better vision of how you want to top or bottom.
Let this be the start of a conversation that allows you to have fun, push boundaries, and explore some areas of your own psychology.
But mostly, let it be about forming what type of ‘topulinity’ works for you. Don’t get stuck on the “right” answer—there is none.
The only “right” answer is the one you feel comfortable with.
When I say take a few days to sort through the choices you made, what I mean is to reflect on them and take them to their natural conclusion.
For example, if you circled “Lukewarm” (or warmer than that) on “I like to tell my partner what to do in bed” ask yourself a few questions: Why? What about that turns me on? How do I feel when I make a request? How do I feel when he complies? What about this scenario arouses me?
Do this self-exploration on every statement you circled “lukewarm” or hotter. Get to know yourself better.
A better understanding will help shape your topulinity. Again, the point isn’t to take on somebody else’s definition of how power should be expressed, but to discover different expressions that work for you.
Exploring a new dimension in your sex life means playing with that thing between your ears, not your legs.
So as you experiment with different activities, embrace the power-playing role you take on and understand what drives it.
Here are some guides that might help: