Are You Obligated To Respond To A Compliment On Grindr?

Cyber civility is still an emerging field. It’s widely assumed that the manners and behavior we exhibit in the real world should transfer to the internet, but obviously that hasn’t been the case (see: anonymous commenters) – and I’m not sure whether that’s a good or bad thing.

I confess to engaging in behavior that would be considered rude in a face-to-face scenario, but that seemed entirely appropriate for an anonymous stranger.

To wit: In early May, a guy hit me up on a GPS-based hook-up app with the flirty message “Very cute.”
I could’ve replied with an equally generic “Thanx,” although I was weary of starting a conversation thread with someone I had no interest in dating, getting to know, or even chatting with. Instead, I trashed the message and thought nothing of it.

Last week, I got another message from the guy: “You must be shy cause I know it’s not cause I’m UNATTRACTIVE.” Irritated by the guy’s unfounded arrogance, I couldn’t ignore his message this time and so I coyly replied, “No shyness on my part.”

“Then u must learn how to say ‘Thank You’ when someone pays you a compliment,” he hissed back.

“And you need to learn how to accept a polite rejection,” I wrote.

“First of all I was NOT seeking anything from you’re a** that warrant rejection!!!! I simply paid your DUMB a** a COMPLIMENT!! There is a DIFFERENCE!! LEARN IT!! Carry On!!” he pounded into his cellphone keypad.

“Which is why you sent me a lame (and inaccurate) second message months after you accomplished your “simple” goal of paying me a compliment? I should’ve ignored the second one, too.”

I recognize the prickish tint to my behavior, but his arrogance and bitterness makes me wonder: Did he really deserve a thank you to begin with? If I knew within a millisecond of receiving his message that we would not mesh, should I really waste my time or his by sending a canned response (to which he undoubtedly would have responded), prolonging our tortured – and ultimately unnecessary — conversation?

His catty response relieves me of any guilt I may feel about not practicing real-world manners in cyberspace. It also reminds me of a lesson I was taught as a pre-teen by my father, who often responded to people saying “I love you,” by saying, “That’s sweet of you.”

“Aren’t you supposed to say, ‘I love you, too?’” I asked my father.

“When someone tells you they love you, they should do so because that’s how they feel and they want you to know it. They should not tell you that just so that they can hear it back, and you should never feel like you have to say it back to someone.” Paying a compliment is the same way: It dilutes the compliment when you attach your expectations and a return address to it.