Texting When One Of You Is Ambivalent
Congratulations! If you made it through our texting series and you’re locked, cocked and ready to rock. You’ve gotten enough ammo to shoot your bad texting habits out of the sky and enough info to make guys drool over you.
Rather than repeating important points I’ve made throughout the book I’d like to emphasize a couple of critical themes that will help you become an expert texter.
Asymmetrical Desire
First, is the concept of asymmetrical desire. You will rarely meet a guy who’s on the same page as you are. You either like him more than he likes you or he likes you more than you like him. Your job is to sense the asymmetry and text accordingly. For example, if you sense he’s not that into you, then back off before you get noped out.
The goal of a good texter isn’t to manipulate the guy into doing your bidding (or bedding). It’s to “symmetrize” the desire so that something real can happen, whether it’s a hookup, a date or a relationship. That means understanding where his feelings are in relation to yours. Sometimes you have to play it cool and sometimes you need to heat things up.
Not so you can play games but to bring the level of desire to parity. The easiest way to assess the asymmetry is to ask yourself two questions:
- On a scale of 1 to 10, how badly do I want this guy?
- On a scale of 1 to 10, how badly does he want me?
It is the answer to these questions that should determine the content and timing of your texts. If there’s a lot of space between your numbers (You’re a 10 for him but he’s a 5 for you) you have a lot of asymmetry going on.
The more asymmetry the more indirect you have to be. The more the symmetry the more direct you can be. You should be asking yourself these two questions throughout the early part of your relationship as one or both answers are likely to change as you get to know each other.
On Being Authentic
The next concept that will help you be the expert texter you’re destined to be is simple: Don’t be you. Be the best you. McCann Erickson, the giant ad firm, once described advertising as “The Truth Well Told.” Adopt this philosophy. Be “You Well Told.”
That means letting your personality shine through. Here’s a great way to tell if your texts are reflecting your personality: Read them and ask yourself:
“Could anybody else have sent this text?”
The answer is usually yes if you’re sending generic texts like “How’s your day?” Anybody can send drivel like that. Dig deeper. You’re better than that. Prove it to him.
Hot Guy Phobia
Third, understand that almost every gay guy suffers from Hot Guy Phobia. Beautiful men tend to make us incapable of thought, so we back up, get less creative and play it safe. Ever notice that the more you like a guy the harder it is to come up with something clever or intelligent to say?
Know that this is a factor and make up for it by dipping back into this texting series and using the texting ideas to start conversations or reanimate them when they’ve gone stale. They’re just training wheels he’ll never see. All you need is a few good starter texts and you’re off to the races.
Check It Twice
Fourth and finally, check your work. Regularly scroll up and get a bird’s eye view of your texts. If you did that more often you’d see where you might be going wrong.
Are your texts consistently two or three word “grunts?” That means you’re not showing enough interest or personality. That’s fine if you’re not that into him, but if you are, then you’re accidentally sending him “go away signals. So broaden your texts.
Are your texts more like scholarly articles? Shorten them. Check the timing against his. Are you immediately texting him back when it takes him hours to respond? That means you’re so far up his ass he thinks you’re a hemorrhoid. Back up. The point of self-assessment is to self-correct. Be aware of what you’re doing or it’ll be your undoing.
So, I’d like to leave you with a memorable story.
A woman walks into Van Cleef & Arpels and falls in love with a diamond necklace. It’s expensive. $400,000. She tells the jeweler, “I know how I can buy this at your full price but I need you to play along. Tomorrow, I’m going to come in with my husband. I want you to tell him it’s only $200,000.”
So, she comes in with her husband and announces that she’s looking for a diamond necklace. The jeweler brings out the one she had picked. She pretends to fall in love with it for the first time and the husband hands over a check for $200,000. A few hours later she returns the necklace. She comes back the next day. This time with her lover. Same routine: She oohs and aahs over the necklace and the jeweler sells it to her lover for $200,000. Everybody wins!
My point, and I do have one, is that texting requires you to be as clever and inventive as the woman in the jewelry store (without the lying or the manipulation!). All it takes is a little perfumed, strategic thinking.
Thanks for reading our texting series. May you get the necklace you’ve always wanted.