Five Texting Laws You Can’t Violate
#1 Don’t Play It Cool
A girlfriend and I were talking over drinks about some of the latest guys she had dated and she mentioned how she feels like she scared one off by playing “the game” and being too non-committal, almost to the point of ignoring him, so he bolted.
So for the next guy she dated, she swung the pendulum in the other direction and let him take complete control. If he flat-out asked for her preference on anything (what restaurant to pick, what movie to see) she would always defer to him (“whatever you want is fine with me.”) The result? Same as the previous guy. He bolted. Why? She didn’t hit the right balance.
Ignoring texts, taking forever to return them, answering questions with ‘text grunts’ like “Yes, no, maybe” when he’s trying to start a conversation—these are signs of a girl who isn’t interested, not a girl who’s playing it cool. Most guys aren’t masochists and they’re not going to keep knocking their heads against the wall for very long.
Let’s talk about this ‘playing it cool’ business. Don’t. It’s such a waste of time and you will inadvertently drive off worthwhile guys who don’t have the stomach for endless chasing. It’s true that guys like the hunt but not when they can’t do a little catching once in a while.
Don’t play it cool with a guy you like. Play it straight, with heavy teasing and flirting leading the effort. If you like a guy, act like it. If you don’t like a guy, act like that too. Your goal isn’t to play a game; it’s to meet the guys you’re interested in and avoid the ones you aren’t.
Of course, you can go too far in the other direction, too—being too eager, always seeking approval—and it can make you seem like a pushover. Here’s a perfect example of what I mean by approval-seeking behavior:
You: “I look good, right?”
That’s like asking him, “How was I?” right after you had an orgasm. Why would you ask a question that reeks of insecurity? Don’t do it in bed; don’t do it on your phone. You’ll just sound needy and weak.
Balancing the expression of interest means you don’t feign indifference (game playa!) but neither do you become a texting floor mat where any guy can wipe his feet or his texts.
#2 Spot Jerks Early
The best way to spot a jerk over text is to know the difference between
Alpha behavior Alpha-dogging behavior. Alpha means leading. Alpha dogging means abandoning. Alpha inspires admiration. Alpha dogging arouses ire. Alpha means he switches it up. Sometimes he texts right back, sometimes he doesn’t, depending on his read of the situation.
Sometimes he takes charge, other times he lets you lead. Alpha-dogging means he doesn’t read the situation—he does whatever the hell feels right at the time. He always leads and if you get out front a little he squashes it as fast as he can.
Alpha: “Let’s go to the new Thai restaurant, I hear it’s great.”
Alpha dogging: “I’m going to the new Thai restaurant. You’re welcome to join me.”
Steer toward alpha guys and avoid the alpha-dogging guys. The former will take care of you; the latter will mistreat you.
#3 Deal With Indecisive Guys
When God gave out Alpha pills a lot of guys thought they were Flintstone vitamins and took a pass. These Beta Bros are so scared they might offend they bend over backwards and become overly solicitous. These are the guys that always text back right away no matter what.
These are the guys that write something funny and then send three additional texts clarifying the joke in case you didn’t take it the right way. These are the guys who think it’s a good idea to follow instead of lead.
You: What movie should we see?
Beta response: Whatever you want.
Whenever I see a guy friend pull a stunt like that I say, “Beta, please. If you want a guy, act like a man.” Just so we’re clear, the alpha response to the question is, “The new Batman movie. I hear it’s great.”
And what would be the alpha-dogging response? “I’ll tell you when I’ve come to a decision.”
Now, the truth is a lot of guys prefer their guys to be on the beta side and that’s fine. But most don’t. It can be infuriating to date somebody who doesn’t have an opinion or a preference (actually, they do; they’re just afraid to express it). What can you do to nudge your guy into being a little more alpha? You can tease him good-naturedly:
You: Hey, Indecision. Are you going to tell me what you think or do you want me to do it for you?
Just make sure to stop teasing him if he gets the hint and starts behaving more assertively. Be by his side when he comes over to your side. Two things happen when you tease a guy: He’ll either get the hint and course-correct (if he has it in him) or you’ll just make him feel bad because beta is his nature and he literally doesn’t know how to be more assertive with guys. In his mind he’ll think, “I is what I is and I ain’t changing!”
You can always take the direct route to alpha-betizing your guy:
You: What movie should we see?
Beta response: Whatever you want.
You: Ahem. I like decisive guys.
If his next response isn’t specific and precise you know you’re dealing with a true Beta Bro who is not going to change no matter how much you tease him or make requests that he be more assertive. At this point you’ve got to decide whether he’s worth your time. I am agnostic on this question.
#4 Be Steady But Unpredictable.
Variety adds spice to text threads. Being funny one moment, thoughtful another and then insightful in another makes you sound well rounded and look more interesting. There is an art to being consciously unpredictable without pretending to be ambivalent. Being unpredictable means you express the same interest for him in a variety of ways. Pretending to be ambivalent means expressing different levels of interest to keep him off balance.
If you like a guy it’s good to be unpredictable in the ways you show it. But it’s never cool to pretend ambivalence. First, it’s a shitty thing to do; game-playing at its worst. Second, Karma’s a bitch and she’s constantly having puppies. Whatever you do will be visited upon you.
Now, it’s okay to be truly ambivalent about a guy. It’s not okay to pretend to be ambivalent. So, what are the best ways of being unpredictable? The length and timing of your texts.
#5 Vary The Lengths Of Your Texts.
Short, clipped texts are as bad as book-length texts. If you notice yourself sending one and two-word texts, throw one in that’s a couple of sentences long. In fact, be very careful about short texts because they communicate disinterest. Even if you get a question that can be answered with a simple yes or no, don’t do it. It sets the stage for a stilted, interview-like thread—a total romance-killer. Let’s say he asks if you like a certain band. Which answer do you think moves the conversation forward?
“Yes.”
Or…
“Yes, but I sing their songs better than they do.”
A simple “Yes” stops the conversation cold. A “Yes” with an off-the-cuff remark (“Really? You sing?”) provides an opening for further dialog. The best way to tell if you’re varying the lengths of your text is to scroll up and read the thread. Are you constantly sending short, curt texts? Elongate them. Are your text balloons filled with so much copy it looks like a rock concert let out? Shorten them. Be unpredictable.