Do Guys Have The Right To Be Mad At You For Rejecting Them?

Question:

I’ve never much enjoyed anonymous sex. But I LOVE connected sex, looking in a guy’s eyes, making out, and mixing things up between wild and mild. When I feel chemistry for another guy, and we mesh in terms of what we like, the sex I have even during a hookup can be like “making love.” I love passionate sex and know how to please my partner and myself while keeping the sex hot but personal and intimate. This isn’t what everyone is looking for online, obviously, but I’m surprised at the number of guys I meet who are totally into it, as if it’s been missing from their other encounters. I’m not afraid to be vulnerable during sex, maybe that part of why it is so good.

For the guys with whom I “make love” and we connect extremely well, which is the majority, quite a few of them want to meet again. I sometimes do. Yet many of these push to date, claim to have a crush on me, even have said they love me, want to be exclusive, etc.

They know it was an NSA hookup, yet they get upset when I tell them “It was a lot of fun. You’re a great guy, but I don’t want to date.” I have met several guys here with whom I normally would date, but since I’m just out of an LTR, I don’t want to right now.

I do not lead them on in advance to thinking this is anything but a hookup, but I think the nature of how we have sex, “making love,” made them get a different idea.

This has resulted in some mean messages in the days following the hookup, hurt feelings, lots of drama because they don’t understand why I don’t want to meet again when we hit it off so perfectly that first meeting.

I don’t want to hurt anyone. How can I continue to have the kind of passionate sex that I love without leading guys on or hurting them?

Thanks a lot.

ANSWER:

One day I was walking down the beach and I saw a genie bottle. I opened it and a drag queen genie popped out! She said she would grant me one wish. I said, “Peace in the middle east.” And then I handed her a map. I point to it and said, “There, I want peace right there. Those people have been killing themselves for years.”

The drag queen genie says, “Girl, I ain’t that good. They have been fighting for years. Make another wish.”

“Okay,” I said. “I want a gorgeous hottie who is loyal, fun, bright, funny, generous and available.”

The genie pauses. And says, “Hand me that map.”

My point, as if I had one other than to tell a great joke, is that you are the thing that frustrates genies. Even magic can’t make somebody like you become available.

The first thing that comes up for me is that I completely understand why those guys would be upset. Not because you’ve done something wrong, but because you’ve done something right—but without any follow-through.

I actually relate a lot to what you’re saying. There is basically no difference in my style of lovemaking with somebody I spend one night with or somebody that I want to spend a lifetime with. To me, sex is the very thing that bridges emotions, physicality, sexuality and psychology into one big bundle of birthday cake.

Whenever people like you and me, whose style is loving and affectionate and kind and gentle, well, there are going to be a lot of misunderstandings from our one-nighters.

They are not used to that kind of sex outside of a relationship. It is perfectly legitimate for them to read into our style of lovemaking that we want to see them again.

I know this because I am both a victim and a perpetrator of this style of love-making. Whenever I meet another “me” in the sense of somebody who also likes high-connection make-out sessions (as opposed to drop-your-drawers junkyard scrumping) I assume he wants to date me and I’m inevitably hurt when he actually doesn’t.

In situations like that it’s easy to think, “Did he not feel the magical energy that I felt when we were making love?”

Here’s how I handle it when I’m disappointed with guys who act like they’re in love in bed but not out of it: I tell myself he doesn’t owe me anything. Not an explanation, a reason, or an excuse. Spending one night with a guy, or even several nights, does not mean a commitment of even the slightest kind.

This is my long-winded way of saying you do not owe anyone an explanation for your behavior. You have a style of lovemaking that is deeply personal even with somebody that you don’t know very well. That is neither crime nor misdemeanor. You are doing nothing wrong in the lead-up, the act, or the post-act.

You have to let go of the idea that you are responsible for other people’s interpretations or wishes to be with you. It’s like you’re asking me how to take care of other people’s feelings of rejection. You are not responsible for how they cope with your rejection, as long as you’re being respectful.

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