How To Be A Better Bottom Part 2
KEEPING YOUR TOP HARD
What gives gay men situational impotence? These are their typical fears when it comes to topping:
- I won’t get hard enough
- My dick isn’t big enough
- I will disappoint my partner
- My partner will compare me to other guys
- My partner will judge me and tell the world
- I’ll ejaculate too soon
- I’ll take forever to ejaculate
These anxieties produce stress hormones like cortisol, adrenaline, epinephrine, and norepinephrine, which produce a heightened state of alert. It’s the opposite of feeling relaxed and calm and in the moment, which is necessary for proper sexual functioning.
These stress hormones constrict blood vessels, inhibiting blood flow, which makes erections more difficult. They also increase muscular and body tension, and actually desensitize the genitalia.
What You Can Do
It’s important to realize you’re not responsible for his hard-on anymore than he is for yours. But that doesn’t mean you have no role in keeping his Heat Seeking Moisture Missile standing at attention.
As a general rule, the simplest and most effective way of keeping your partner hard is to give him access to what turns him on and dial down what turns him off.
If he likes feet, for example, and you insist on wearing socks in bed, you are not going to help matters. If you notice he gets harder when you kiss him then kiss him a lot. If you notice a certain position makes him go soft, avoid the position.
Let’s take the most common worries penetrators struggle with and see what you can do to help.
“I won’t get hard enough”
This worry most often springs from past experiences (especially recent ones) when he struggled with situational impotence. It can come from not being all that attracted to you (ouch!) or from being too attracted to you.
Anybody who’s dated out of their league or been in love knows how that can happen—you want someone so bad you’re overwhelmed with the possibility of losing him if you disappoint. This creates unbearable stress. Having sex is no longer an expression of desire but a test to see if you’re worthy.
What you can do
Don’t fan the flames of his worries by commenting on the quality of his erection. Saying something disparaging like, “Oh, you’re only half-hard” or “Well, I can’t do much with that” will not serve your cause.
“My dick isn’t big enough”
Almost every guy, top or not, worries about the size of his dick. Even guys with average-sized dicks often think they’re small. They also tend to have a porn-inspired belief that you have to be well-endowed in order to top.
What you can do
Don’t recount experiences with hung men. Refrain, for example, from pointing to a picture of an ex-boyfriend and saying, “Now HE had a cock!”
First, you’ll give him evidence that he’ll disappoint you with the size of his dick. Worse, by describing your ex’s genitalia you’ve fueled other anxieties—that you’ll compare him to other guys, judge him, and tell the world. If you make any comments at all stick to the tried and true, “I love your dick—it’s the perfect size.”
Fundamental acting skills are crucial to hot sex.
Stay Away From Too Much Alcohol
Winston Churchill proudly said he had taken more out of alcohol than it had taken out of him. He clearly wasn’t in the bedroom when he said it. Alcohol dulls nerves that transmit sensations. It ups the desire but lowers the performance. If your partner drinks too much you’ll get nothing but “beer sex.” Meaning, the hardest thing he’ll have to offer you is the bottle he’s drinking out of.
What you can do
Alcohol is not an aphrodisiac, but you’d be a fool not to recognize its power to melt away reservations, inhibitions, and worries– the three pillars of awful sex. So yes, in the beginning, alcohol can be quite helpful. Just be sure there’s an end and a quick one at that. The best way to stop your partner from drinking too much is to offer him something better than alcohol—your body.