How To Be A Better Bottom Part 1
KEEPING YOUR TOP HARD
Whether you’ve tamed the Rottweiler or goosed the Poodle, there is a very real possibility he won’t get hard enough to top you. Let’s take a look at what might give him a flat tire and how you can help.
Manage The Ick Factor
You think you’re worried about setting off a shit bomb? You should open up his head and see the fears wiggling in his amygdala. His organizing principle in bed is probably, “Never assume it’s just a fart.”
What you can do
Make sure you took all the steps outlined in the Avoiding A Shit Show chapter. If you lower your underwear and you don’t smell as fresh as a daisy, your partner’s Willie Will Not. Consider using talcum powder to set his mind at ease. If the first thing he smells telegraphs cleanliness it’s likelier to ease his hygiene worries. This will also help with an age-old problem that prevents any kind of sex from happening: Swamp crotch—the graveyard of smells where boners go to die.
Disclaimer: Many guys like the smell of man musk. Professional armpit sniffers (yes, they really exist–who do you think advises underarm deodorant companies?) say it can act like an aphrodisiac.
If you or the guy you like is into more natural smells, you need to cultivate an aroma that fits with what experts say is an appealing manscent: The natural smells of men with good hygiene.
That means showering but not putting on underarm deodorant or cologne. It doesn’t mean showing up for a date straight from a showerless three-day hike. Smells shouldn’t have texture.
Lower His Performance Anxiety
For guys who like to top, anxiety around sex comes from social expectations of masculinity ( you’re always horny, always hard) and watching porn ( you’re big as a bridge, never go soft and cum like a fire hydrant).
Studies show about one-third of men experiencing some type of “situational impotence” at least once a year–all due to stress or fear of inadequacy.
In other words, over the course of their lives, almost 100% of men will experience situational impotence (defined as not getting hard enough or staying hard enough for intercourse). What gives gay men situational impotence? These are their typical fears when it comes to topping:
- I won’t get hard enough
- My dick isn’t big enough
- I will disappoint my partner
- My partner will compare me to other guys
- My partner will judge me and tell the world
- I’ll ejaculate too soon
- I’ll take forever to ejaculate
These anxieties produce stress hormones like cortisol, adrenaline, epinephrine, and norepinephrine, which produce a heightened state of alert. It’s the opposite of feeling relaxed and calm and in the moment, which is necessary for proper sexual functioning.
These stress hormones constrict blood vessels, inhibiting blood flow, which makes erections more difficult. They also increase muscular and body tension, and actually desensitize the genitalia.
Next week: what you can do about all this!